Friday, March 31, 2006

As well as his dignity.

Guy #1: Man, someone keeps stealing all my money!
Guy #2: Weren't you at the Frog last night?
Guy #1: Yeah, why?
Guy #2: I think your money is probably in the toilet there -- in various forms.

-- UCC, overheard by Joel

Overheard on the Road: University of Waterloo

Guy #1: When I was younger I entered a contest for the TV show Family Matters. They had kids send in a videotape of themselves doing a Steve Urkel impression, and they picked the best ones to be on the show. I didn't win, but I got an autographed photo of Jaleel White and an iron-on patch.
Guy #2: That's cooler than being on the show!
Guy #1: No it's not! It was like a dream sequence, and they had a whole bunch of kids all dressed up like Steve Urkel. I suppose it didn't help that I was white. They had a white girl on there, though. My mom sent it in ... she made me think I could actually win.

-- overheard by a Western grad in Waterloo

"Which is when we'll have that special party in my office."

Prof: Everyone quiet down. I know that as the temperature rises so do your testosterone levels, but please wait until after class to get a grip on it.

-- Chem 020 class, overheard by Kevin

Mmm, high academic standards.

Guy #1: Hey, man! I didn't know you went here!
Guy #2: Yeah, man, I'm in my second year.
Guy #1: Then what are you doing in first year Bio?
Guy #2: Oh, I failed the first one...
Guy #1: Oh cool, so what are you majoring in?
Guy #2: Bio.

-- overheard by Leila

Or just hit him with a sob story about a colostomy bag.

Drunk Girl #1: Oh my God! My vodka spilled down my leg!
Drunk Girl #2: Didn't you zip the bag closed?!
Drunk Girl #1: Yeah but I just squished it between my legs.
Drunk Girl #2: If the security guard asks, just say it rained down your leg...

-- Shuttle Bus to Perth Formal, overheard by Katie

University: where you learn to be independent and responsible.

Girl buying liquor: This is the last of my money.
Friend: Seriously?
Girl buying liquor: Yeah, I've only got like a few dollars left in my account, I guess it's time to call mom for another loan!

-- LCBO on Oxford East, overheard by Erin

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Are we sure this girl goes to Western?

Girl #1: Her hymen is made out of concrete and metal!
Girl #2: And it's got a huge sign attached that says "bye-men" not "hi-men"!

-- Party

Whoa, she's smart enough to be one of the commenters on this site!

Guy #1: Sometimes I run.
Guy #2: Sometimes I hide.
Guy #1: Sometimes I'm scared of you.
Guy #2: But all I really want...
Guy #1: ...Is to hold you tight?
Guy #2: Treat you right.
(Both guys break out laughing.)
Big Sunglasses Girl: Oh my God, do you guys realize that your conversation is exactly like a Britney Spears song?

-- Concrete Beach, overheard by Mike

You have the right to remain horny.

Girl #1: I'm in the mood for some cop porn.
Girl #2: Um ... what?
Girl #1: Fuck, I meant to say popcorn...

-- overheard by Caylen

Even through all the differences, every faith can be united through iPods.

Teacher: Please put away your Christmas-pods...
Student: What're those?
Teacher: The iPods you got for Christmas.
Student: I'M A JEW!
(The whole class laughs.)
Student: And if I fail this test, then you're an anti-Semite!

-- Chemistry Tutorial, overheard by Jordan

Herpes is likelier.

Girl: ...So I said to my boyfriend, "Okay, but she's gotta be really hot, and afterwards I don't want to ever see her again." Oh, and if she's really nasty down there we're totally kicking her out of the bed. 'Cause you never know, ya know? Sometimes even really hot girls have, like, yeast infections.

-- Labatt Hall, King's University College, overheard by Taylor

With any luck, she also thinks she has no grandchildren.

Girl: Haha, you think like a poor person. Wait, that didn't sound right. You're like my grandmother. It's funny, she has Alzheimer's so she thinks she's poor!

-- Saugeen, overheard by J & L

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

They don't call her the "big bang" for nothing.

Astronomy professor: The beginning of the universe was hot, dense and simple.
Girl: Sounds like me!

-- Nat Sci, overheard by Sam

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Someone clearly had an unforgettable prom night.

Guy #1: Do you think people just looked at me with disdain because I used the word "virginity," or because I used the words "meat locker"?
Guy #2: Probably because you used them both in the same sentence.

-- Ivey

"Next Friday!"

Girl #1: Yeah, I'm so glad that I got this essay over with because it's my birthday tomorrow!
Girl #2: Oh! It's my friend's birthday tomorrow!
Girl #1: Yeah, it's my birthday tomorrow.
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #3: Wait! When's your birthday?

-- UC, overheard by Jennifer

Stupid amended Bible!

Girl #1: I'm going to hell for this...
Girl #2: Don't worry. It's not like it says in the 12 commandments, "Thou shall not steal someone else's boyfriend."

-- Thames Bridge, overheard by Jenny

Ah, attractiveness with residual low self-esteem. That's a keeper.

Girl: I used to be 200 pounds, that's why I'm so nice.

-- Ivey atrium, overheard by Charles

Monday, March 27, 2006

Maybe she was out of pita.

Pretty Boy #1: This girl I'm seeing now is totally kinky. She wants to try everything. You won't believe what I did last night.
Pretty Boy #2: What happened, dude?
Pretty Boy #1: Well, you know how I've been into using condiments in the bedroom... Last night we went beyond the standard chocolate sauce. My girlfriend smothered me in hummus and tehina and licked it off. I still smell like garlic.
Pretty Boy #2: Thats fuckin' incredible, man! I've always wanted to be turned into a human falafel!

-- Barney's, overheard by Mike & Brian

Just grip your club and aim for the little hole.

Guy: Everything I know about sex I learned from Tiger Woods.

-- The Spoke, overheard by Trevor

Saturday, March 25, 2006

There was a nearby atlas?

Potential member: I moved here from Russia.
Stupid sorority girl: Then why do you look Chinese?
Smart sorority girl: Umm, Russia is in Asia. It borders China and Mongolia.
Stupid sorority girl: No it doesn't!
Smart sorority girl: Yes, it does. Do you want me to get a map? (Gets atlas)
Stupid sorority girl: (Pauses) does. So why do you look Chinese?
Smart sorority girl: Racial traits tend to blur in border areas and across vast geographic areas. (Whispers) Now shut up and stop embarrassing us.

-- Sorority house, overheard by Bethany

Friday, March 24, 2006

"Putting yourself out there" means getting drunk and showing off your rack.

Blonde Girl #1: Seriously, all my friends in Calgary were punks.
Blonde Girl #2: Seriously?
Blonde Girl #1: Like, none of them were blonde.
Blonde Girl #2: Really? Well, don't worry, you have me now. Except I look like shit.
Blonde Girl #1: No, you don't. You are totally hot. Like, if I was a guy I would say you were totally hot.
Blonde Girl #2: I just hope I'm putting myself out there enough.
Blonde Girl #1: Oh, you totally are.

-- Barking Frog, overheard by Crystal

Just send him to Old Chicago's...

Girl #1: Let's turn a guy gay!
Girl #2: Ooh, okay!

-- Jack's, overheard by Mary

But does it love you back?

Guy: Man, I've only gone to one hour of class in the past two weeks. Why do I even bother coming to school?
Girl: Because if you lived at home your parents wouldn't let you sit on your ass all day playing Xbox.
Guy: Yeah, I love my Xbox.

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by Heather

What are those crazy science students up to now?

Girl: Aw, look at the pretty dog!
Guy: [Miranda], that's a cow.
Girl: No, it's not!
Guy: It has hooves!

-- Concrete Beach, overheard by Cody

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Wait. There's really a Saskatchewan?!

Girl: There is totally like, no Regina in Saskatchewan.
Guy: Yes, there is. Regina is in Saskatchewan.
Girl: I live in B.C. I know there is no Regina in Saskatchewan!

-- Einstein's, overheard by Andrea

Cannada? Cananda?

Bad speller: Does "Canada" have one N or two?

-- Weldon, overheard by Brendan

Hopefully she didn't leave the bag in.

Girl: She totally put her boob in her friend's ear!
Guy: So is that, like, the equivalent of a tea-bag?
Girl: No, no. The equivalent of a tea-bag would be if I put my vulva on her face while she was sleeping.

-- Richmond Gates

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

It's called "eating," ladies. Try it again sometime.

Sorority Girl #1: Last night my stomach was so, like, heavy. It was just, like, I don't know... just so not light. I mean, it was just, like, so heavy. And I was like, this is freaky.
Sorority Girl #2: I know exactly what you mean.

-- overheard by Kim

From the looks of it, all our PM is burning down are sammiches.

Guy #1: Did you see Harper go overseas to support the efforts over there?
Guy #2: Yeah. I think it was a good move on his part.
Girl: Who's Harper?
Guy #1: Our Prime Minister.
Girl: (Stunned) Oh...
Guy #1 and Guy #2: (Pointing and laughing)
Girl: (Indignantly) Sorry I didn't know Ben Harper was the Prime Minister!

-- overheard by Ryan

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

"Here, hold my gun while I open it."

Guy #1: Going on a ride-along with a corrupt cop would be cool.
Guy #2: Oh, that would be so sweet. It's like, "Take this bag of weed. I stole it from the evidence locker!"

-- 12 Wharncliffe, overheard by John

Jesus would be proud.

Girl #1: I love my Latin lover.
Girl #2: Who, [Miguel]?
Girl #1: Yeah...
Girl #2: He's not all that hot.
Girl #1: No ... not at all. But he's rich.
Girl #2: Rich in what, love?
Girl #1: No, money.
Girl #2: Where did he get it?
Girl #1: His parents. And I'm going to marry him and be his beautiful, blonde, Catholic wife.

-- Demetre's, overheard by Jen

Wait. You want to avoid the beer tent?

Guy: For fuck's sake. Only at UWO would I have to walk through bushes and over a concrete barrier to avoid the beer tent on the way to the library.

-- overheard by Dave

Overheard on the Road: Queen's University

Guy: I didn't get home until really late -- it took a long time to clean up.
Girl: Really? Why's that?
Guy: Well, there was that stuff everywhere. You know -- dry mud.
Girl: You mean dirt?

-- overheard by Julian

Monday, March 20, 2006

"It's what I was on when your father knocked me up."

A guy gets on the bus, sits down across from some little kids, and makes a call on his cell.

Guy: Hey, man, what's up? Hey, you got any fucking shrooms? ... I said SHROOMS. Do you have any SHROOMS? ... Well, what about E? You got any E?... Okay, I need about twelve of them ... No man, I'm not gonna fucking OD. I just need twelve.
Little kid: Mom, what's E?

-- 9C Whitehills, overheard by Nikki

But you do have to dance around with a stupid name on your back!

Girl #1: I'm so nervous about [soph] carousel on Sunday.
Girl #2: Oh, you'll be fine. I'll put you through. So long as you suck up to me.
Girl #2: Don't worry, you don't have to make out with me or anything.

-- Spoke

There's something else?

Geographically-challenged guy: I don't really know where anything is in London. I mean, I know where the school is, and the bus station and the train station and the Ceeps and Molly's. Basically I know where all the bars are, but I don't really know where anything else is.

-- On Southbound 2-Dundas, overheard by Mattius

He's even been too busy to attend his 100-level Connecting the Dots class.

Guy #1: Man, it's been a great year. I've done so many chicks and partied so much. The only downside is that for the last month or two, everytime I piss, it burns.
Guy #2: Gotta be the spicy food in Elgin.
Guy #1: Yeah, the tacos are murder.

-- Number 6 bus stop at Richmond gates, overheard by No Name

Sunday, March 19, 2006

A moment of genuine education, and then...

Girl #1: Like, I didn't even know that Siberia was a real place. Like, I didn't even know it existed.
Girl #2: Yeah, they like used to exile people there from, like, Russia.
Girl #3: I exiled all over your mom's face last night.

-- Washroom of the Wave

Hey, you gotta have goals.

Girl #1: So my mom says I have to get a job this summer.
Girl #2: Why? You don't want to actually work all summer, do you?
Girl #1: No, but if I don't she won't pay for my tuition.
Girl #2: What about after you graduate?
Girl #1: Then I don't care. I'm going to get married so I won't have to do a thing.

-- Bus stop, overheard by Brian

Friday, March 17, 2006

You don't know her, Jerry.

Trailer Trash Girl: [Tiffany] just told me she was fuckin’ 13 years old when you fucked her.
Dumbass Boyfriend: I didn’t fuckin’ know that. She looked older than that. She told me she was older than that. I was 18. It was a fuckin’ long time ago. I’m sorry. Do you accept my apology? Are you still mad?
Trailer Trash Girl: A little...
Dumbass Boyfriend: You’re my family now ... you’re all that matters to me. I care about you too much. I don’t fuckin’ want you to go to jail. If you want, I can come with you to court.
(Trailer Trash Girl still pretends to be mad.)
Dumbass Boyfriend: Listen, I love you too much to lose you. I’ll be so fuckin’ mad at you if you don’t have this kid. I want you, and I want this kid.
Trailer Trash Girl: We’ll see.

-- Weldon, overheard by Nadia

Everyone loves inner ear damage!

Jock Guy: Dude, you know what we should do when we get home? We should put pots on our heads and bang them! That'd be hilarious.

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by Allison

Ice-T is ashamed of you.

Girl: Did you see her glasses? Oh my god! They were so ghetto fabulous.

-- Tutorial, overheard by Will

Do they have Engineering courses at Brescia?

Father: So what is the split between guys and girls in each discipline of engineering at Western?
Volunteer: Well, in chemical engineering it's about a 50-50 split, civil engineering it's about 60-40 guys, and in the other disciplines there are very few girls.
Father: (turns to his daughter, a prospective student) It sounds like your odds of finding a guy are pretty good!
Daughter: I haven't told you my sexual orientation!
Father: That is the biggest slap in the face I have ever had!

-- March Preview Day, Spencer Engineering, overheard by Josh

Mendel, strike her down!

Girl: No, but you guys both have red hair ... so you’ll for sure have red babies.

-- Westside Restaurant, overheard by Alison

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Then maybe the skeezy facial hair was a mistake...

Cowgirl #1: Do I look like a young Faith Hill?
Cowgirl #2: Ummm... yeah, you totally do!
Cowgirl #1: Oh okay, good. I tried really hard...
Cowgirl #2: Do I look like a young Tim McGraw?
Cowgirl #1: Um, yeah, you really do... but do you really want to look like a man?
Cowgirl #2: Yeah, I guess not.

-- Jimbob's cowboy night, overheard by Karen

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

How Not to Give a Good Burn: A Cautionary Lesson

Guy #1: Man, you're so stupid, you need subtitles for English movies.
Guy #2: ...So, what, I'm deaf now?
Guy #1: Uh, no ... I mean like, there are too many pretty pictures on the screen, so you need subtitles to tell you what's going on.
Guy #2: Those don't exist, man.
Guy #1: Like, "George Clooney is doing such and such in this scene." Then you'd be like, "Oh, now I get it."
Guy #2: So, I'm stupider because I can read subtitles while watching your "pretty pictures"?

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by Braden

Yes, but plastic surgery is getting so advanced...

A birthday greeting goes up on the big screen of a woman turning 40.

Guy #1: That lady doesn't look like she's 40!
Guy #2: Yeah, but I bet her cooter does!

-- Knights game, JLC, overheard by Geoff

To stop their testicle sugar from fluctuating too much, perhaps?

Girl: Hey, did you know there's, like, a secret basement in Nat Sci where crazy experiments are done on monkeys?
Random Guy: Like what kinda experiments?
Girl: They, like, replace their heads with other monkeys and inject diabetes into their balls.
Random Guy: You mean inject insulin?
Girl: Whatever.

-- Law 101, overheard by Moe.P

That's because you're ignorant!

Girl: Really? I've never heard it pronounced like that. I
always thought it was "Mu-nitch".

-- UC, overheard by Patrick

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Crude consolation or wishful thinking?

Girl #1: I want to get laid tonight.
Girl #2: Well, if I had a penis I'd fuck you all day long.

-- 29 Park, overheard by Natalie

Unseasonably warm weather: facilitating downward spirals since 1878.

Girl #1: Do you want to go to Barney's patio?
Girl #2: (Extremely hung over) Well... I'm still drunk from last night, so I'm not going to do work...
Girl #1: So?
Girl #2: Yes.

-- Richmond St., overheard by Natalie

"You mean MRS doesn't count?"

Girl #1: What? I didn't know philosophy was in Arts!
Girl #2: You're in third year and you don't know what faculty you're in?

-- Outside a sorority house, overheard by Natalie

Oh no, she's right! And then he might do something crazy... like screwing a cow...

The professor in a human sexuality class has just explained that bestiality usually occurs between a man and a farm animal, usually a cow.

Ugg Girl: (Loudly, to Prof.) Eeeewww! That's so dirty! Are these men typically using condoms or what?
Prof: (Laughing) No, I think that these men have larger problems to deal with than whether or not they use condoms while in this particular circumstance.
Ugg Girl: But couldn't these men get, like, mad cow disease or something?
Prof: (Long silence) Any other questions?

-- Brescia Psych 150 class, overheard by Lauren

Monday, March 13, 2006

It's a long distance phone company that transforms into an awesome ass-kicking robot!

Girl #1: Tell me a story ... about a princess and Optimus Prime.
Girl #2: Optimus Prime? Isn't that a long distance phone company?

-- Rez, overheard by Lindsay

Take that, Anne Marie DeCicco!

Guy #1: It seems that there are always grey clouds over this part of the city.
Guy #2: There should be grey clouds over City Hall.

-- overheard by John

Somehow, this just isn't very hot.

Girl #1: [Katie], look at my vag. No. Seriously. Look at my vag.
Girl #2: What am I looking for?
Girl #1: Is it swollen? I think I scraped it or cut it or something.
Girl #2: How am I supposed to know if it's swollen? I've never seen it before.
Girl #1: Well, you've got one..
Girl #2: Okay. Show me your poon.

-- Saugeen 1-Lower, overheard by Jon

Grandma was a Western skank, back in the day.

Punk Girl: Seriously, I'm not even lying. My grandmother shops at fucking Le Chateau!

-- overheard by Jennifer

You might learn more!

Guy: Are you going to class?
Girl: No, we're going out to frolic in the bulrushes.

-- Althouse College

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Love means being there when it really counts.

Girl: So are you going to be there on Thursday?
Guy: Maybe...
Girl: What do you mean, "maybe"? If I have to put on a fat suit, you're going to be there to support me!

-- Richmond St.

Friday, March 10, 2006

We weep for your DNA and poor parenting.

Two fathers have just finished visiting their kids in residence.

Dad #1: You believe how dumb those kids were?
Dad #2: Yeah, really. I thought you had to have at least some brains to go here.
Dad #1: And to think we're paying for this. I weep for the future.

-- Parking lot, overheard by Ricky

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Hey, you can probably get STDs from the toilet seat ... or the dance floor ... or anything at GT's.

Girl in GT's bathroom #1: GROSS! There's a condom package in here.
Chorus of Girls: EWWW!
Girl #1: Gross, there's a condom too. I hope I don't get pregnant.
Girl #2: Oh man, you might! Try explaining that to [Trevor].
Girl #1: Yeah, I got pregnant from the toilet seat at GT's.

-- GT's, overheard by Shawn

Where's MADD to kick her ass?

Girl to friends: Anyway, I was the least drunk so I had to drive...

-- CentreSpot, overheard by Claudia

No, and they didn't have different races either.

Guy: Did they HAVE lesbians in 1968?

-- Spoke, overheard by Timothy

Oh no! The Yuppies are breeding again!

Beige Burberry Scarf Wearing Girl: Um, like, what should I get? I'm so not in the mood for latte.
Grey Burberry Scarf Wearing Guy: Oh my God! Did I tell you I came up with the solution to my Porsche problem?
Girl: Do you think these smoothies have a lot of calories?
Guy: So I know I wanted the Porsche Boxster but that was like totally unpractical, so then I was thinking the Porsche SUV.
Girl: Oh, screw the calories, I'll get the banana one. Oh my God, they are so cute. Now you don't have to get the Lexus.
Guy: I know, it's like the functionality of a Lexus, but the fabulousness of the Porsche.
Girl: Honey, you are like such the genius!

-- Starbucks, overheard by Kevin

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Him and the Divinyls

Guy #1: Guys, Our Lady Peace is playing at the JLC. Wanna go?
Guy #2: Yup, I'm in. I don't even like OLP, but I love the girls in London. They make me wanna touch myself.

-- Law School, overheard by Joe

Hold onto him, honey. This one's a keeper.

Girl: Would you stay with me if I was deaf and yelled a lot?
Guy: I would probably start hitting you.
Girl: (Opens mouth in surprise)
Guy: Look, if you're going to sit there with your mouth open, I'm going to stick my cock in it.

-- Saugeen cafeteria, overheard by Kelly

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

"Then I won't be sacrificing any kind of integrity for fashion!"

UGG Girl: Oh my God, these stilettos are killing my feet! I can't wait to put on my Uggs!

-- UCC, overheard by Jen

Monday, March 06, 2006

Depending on your attitude toward foreplay, maybe it already has...

Guy: Well, you know, when you're putting your penis in a girl it's not like you're telling her you love her... Okay, well actually, yeah, your penis is telling her you love her, but your mouth isn't...

-- Richmond St., overheard by Joe

Longer than she'll ever see from those frat boys.

Western Girl: How long is six inches?

-- Subway, overheard by Ice

"Ah, Grade 1 math, my wily foe. We meet again."

Guy #1: I didn't think I'd pick up so much speed! I had my foot on the brake but I was going like 2 kilometres an hour faster.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah, I started at 20 kilometres but I ended up at, like, 25.

-- Christina's Pub, overheard by Ian

How dare he?!

Arab Girl #1: (rolling her eyes) Ugh ... he's, like, so Arab!
Arab Girl #2: (equally disgusted) Yeah, he is.

-- UCC, overheard by Amy

"In fact, it's today."

Girl #1: It's so hot in here ... I, like, kinda don't feel like eating now.
Girl #2: Yeah, like when we were in Cuba? and it was like, so hot I hardly ate. My friend and I came back after the week and we were both, like, "Oh my God! We have abs!"
Girl #3: That's like that time when I was so sick all day from drinking the night before, I was like, so skinny that day.
Girl #1: Which time was that?

-- Centre Spot, overheard by janesr

Friday, March 03, 2006

He didn't act like an affected jackass, either, and yet...

Guy: That's right! [Jeff] dressed up as [Ken] for Hallowe'en!
[Ken]: (Clearly angry) Yeah, he did, and he did a crap job of it. French cuffs, man, French cuffs! If you're going to do me, do me right!

-- Grosvenor, overheard by Canadian Zarathustra

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Anyone could miss Kuwait, all tucked away down there.

Girl: Kuwait? Where is that, like, Upper Canada?

-- overheard by Jessica