Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Ass limericks run a close second.

Guy: There's nothing better than an ass haiku.

-- Law school

For some, meat is the new mint.

Guy: Mint is the most vile flavour ever conceived of by man.
Girl #1: Hang on, mint occurs in nature!
Girl #2: More importantly, mint occurs in toothpaste. How do you brush your teeth, bucko?

-- Law library

O-Town, on the other hand...

Girl: Look, I'm not getting arrested over the Backstreet Boys, ok?

-- Law school

Or at least Menudo

Girl: Tom Waits could have been in the Backstreet Boys...

-- Law school

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Try switching to hot monkey sex!

Girl on cell: God, I'm sore ... ow ... yeah, I gotta stop having so much jackrabbit sex.

-- Richmond St.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Plus you'd be a fighter, not a lover.

Girl: I really wish I was a boxer. Except for, you know, the cauliflower ears and brain damage.

-- Law school

Friday, June 24, 2005

What did we learn about putting our hands in strange holes?

Girl #1: (retrieving ball after successful putt) Hey... it's really warm in this hole. Did anyone else notice?
Girl #2: That's a comment to put on that "Overheard at Western" site! Oh wait... it actually is really warm in there! Weird!

-- Windermere Mini-Golf Course

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Clearly she and Science have a lot to catch up on...

Girl #1: Hey, sushi has fish in it. Do you think that if I eat it for lunch, I'll swim faster tonight?
Girl #2: If science has taught me anything, then yes, you will!

-- Somerville

Catholic education - creating fond memories since God knows when...

Guy: It was an all-boys school - what else did we have to do? We couldn't talk about girls, so we speculated on which priests might be pedophiles.

-- Brescia Field

Monday, June 20, 2005

She's totally cool with alcoholics she does know.

Grizzled man: Excuse me, could you tell me the time?
Old lady: No! And I don't like alcoholics I don't know talking to me.

-- Bus stop, Wellington Rd.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Carb counting is the new petty vandalism.

Thugged-out teenage boy #1: Man, white bread is so bad for you.
Thugged-out teenage boy #2: It is. It really is.

-- Loblaws

Anyone who's down with the funk, that's who.

Guy: (looking in friend's trunk) Who just carries around an afro like that?

-- Parking lot

"Aloha" means "hello" and "goodbye" and "I'm a cheap skank."

Girl #1: Hey, these ones are nice!
Girl #2: Whoa, whoa. Those are $2 leis. I'm definitely a $1 lei kind of girl.

-- Masonville Mall

Friday, June 17, 2005

Her friends call her Joan.

Girl #1: (laughing hysterically) Who ARE you, anyway?
Girl #2: I'm Admiral Hilarious, that's who!

-- Law Building

Two if you decide not to take Rolling Out of Moving Cars While on Fire!

Girl: And you can become a stuntman in just three weeks!? Let's get out of here!

-- Law school

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Hey, Wham! and the protestors have something in common!

Guy: Man, the pro-lifers just haven't been the same since George Michael abandoned them.

-- Western Rd.

You don't overhear this one every day...

Girl: Ooh, I know: anyone wanna go provoke the pro-lifers?

-- Alumni Hall

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I bet he'd take that deal.

Girl: I hate footnoting. I wish I could just give [my boss] a blowjob and be done with it.

-- Weldon

He forgot the buffalo and the nine iron.

A guy carrying a case of beer walks up to his friend at the bus stop.
Friend: Sweet! Now all we need is a funnel, Mark's bong and some porn.

-- Richmond St.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

"Maybe a leaf blower to drown her voice out?"

Girl #1: Father's Day is this weekend. I never know what to get for my dad.
Girl #2: I usually get mine a book.
Girl #1: He doesn't read. He just likes gardening and ignoring my stepmom.

-- Outdoor picnic tables

Pfft. You and your crazy theories.

Girl: Ice is just frozen water!

-- Sebastian's

Monday, June 13, 2005

"Basically, you're fat and I've been suffering in silence."

Well-dressed older lady: I haven't nagged you in 28 years -- and what about the whole weight loss issue?

-- Convocation reception, overheard by Matt

In Soviet Russia, burgers eat YOU.

Girl #1: I don't know about that guy ... Like on Wednesday he was acting all superior with me about the eating meat thing.
Girl #2: Yeah, his whole "I don't hurt anything with a heartbeat" mentality ... Am I supposed to hate myself because I like a good burger?
Girl #1: You should love yourself because you like a good burger. People who don't like good burgers should go back to Russia.
Girl #2: YES, guy!

-- Law Library

Even if she stays in a room of her own?

Artsy-looking guy: Well, I'm afraid of Virginia Woolf.

-- University College

Whoa, hold on! Sitting on your ass doesn't count as exercising your abs?

Girl: Last night I did my abs for the first time in a month. A month! What have I been doing with my life? Apparently, not exercising my abdominal muscles.

-- Richmond and Windermere

We hope she'll fall off the Earth next.

Drunken woman: (slurring after an hour of making an ass out of herself) I can't believe I fell off the wagon!

-- T.J. Baxter's

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Um ... their glasses are practical and no-nonsense, yet alluring?

Drunk girl: What about sexy librarians? (shakes fist) What about them!?

-- Richmond St.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

That's what you get for sharing!

Guy: (passing over his ID) Here, look at this!
Girl: (loudly) Your middle name is Wilbert?!
(Half the store laughs.)
Girl: Oh ... sorry.

-- LCBO, Masonville

Friday, June 10, 2005

Double the chance of getting to first base ... double the chance of striking out.

Female softball player: Maybe we should double up on girls?
Male softball player: I'd like that a lot.

-- Huron Flats

Sensitivity training apparently doesn't cover the fatties.

Female day camp counsellor: We lost that one kid for a bit yesterday -- you know, the fat kid? He'd wandered off to the Pit Stop.
Male day camp counsellor: Hey, fat kids need their candy.
Female day camp counsellor: That's mean.
Male day camp counsellor: Yeah, it is.
(They both start laughing.)

-- Somerville House

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Not if you intend to cling to any scrap of your self-respect...

Girl #1: Hey, get to work over there.
Girl #2: I am working!
Girl #1: You're not working; you're listening to Poison!
Girl #2: I can't do both?

-- Law Library

She's not wrong.

Husky-voiced girl: Hey, there's nothing hotter than phlegm.

-- Law Library

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Would that be with the special sauce, or without the special sauce?

Girl #1: I was walking by Harvey's the other day and someone had switched the sign to say "Try our New Anus Burger!"
Girl #2: Ha ... that would be funny to order at the counter. "Uh, I'll have the Anus burger with all of the trimmings, please."
Girl #1: Ha ha ha ... I want my Anus burger with a tossed salad on the side.

-- Huron Flats

Kind of like a high-class call girl!

Fashionista: I like that store. It's both slutty and sophisticated.

-- Law Library

"Okay, okay. What about, like, one coyote and one buzzard?"

Girl: If you're beating somebody unconscious, and as you're beating them you can actually see coyotes circling, then I think that wouldn't be too remote.

-- The Spoke

But it's so deliciously pretentious!

MIT kid: Fuck the Utne Reader! Fuck it right up the ass!

-- Somerville House

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Somebody has a passion for ... learning.

Girl #1: I have needs, okay?
Girl #2: I have needs too, but in the library???

-- Law Library

One man's road to obesity is another man's road to fitness...

Guy: (admiring his friend's arms, which are roughly the size of tree trunks) Wow, man, you've gotten huge!
Musclehead: Well, I'm single and have no life, so what else do I have to do? You know, a lot of people think that you have to be juiced up to get muscles this big, but it's just not true. You just need to eat ten times a day. Just have that discipline, you know? Get up in the middle of the night to eat, if you have to!

-- GoodLife Gym, Sherwood Forest

Monday, June 06, 2005

Zen and the Art of Pita Construction

Pita lady: (sadly, after rolling the ingredients into a pita that fell apart) The pita ... it is delicious, yet it is so fragile.

-- Lucy's, Somerville House

And make sure you cite me afterwards, sugar.

Guy: Paraphrase me, baby!

-- The Spoke

Sunday, June 05, 2005

That's why dogs like her, too.

Girl: I only really like her because she smells like Kraft Dinner.

-- Barney's

Saturday, June 04, 2005

And here I thought early music had to do with God.

Girl #1: That's why they invented music.
Girl #2: To drown out the sex?

-- Paperbirch Crescent

Maybe he doesn't in YOUR religion...

Girl #1: Most likely to love God and girls equally?
Girl #2: Yeah, that’s weird … usually the guilt would factor in, you know?
Guy: Well, God doesn’t wear tight jeans and mid-riff tops!

-- The Spoke

Friday, June 03, 2005

No way, chicks dig the Taurus much more.

Well-Dressed Man: Relationships always start out the same. Guys initially go after the girl if she has the looks, and girls initially go after the guy if he has the Dodge.

-- Bus to Masonville

"I also embrace herpes!"

Girl: Most people try to hide the fact that they're skeezy hos. I like that you embrace it.

-- Law school

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Going to the gym? Don't forget the hip-waders.

Jock: You know, I have real trouble not peeing in the showers here.

-- UCC basement

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Lawyers to cease addressing judges with "your Honour;" start addressing them with "Yo, mothafucka!"

Guy: The word "bitch" isn't used enough in legal papers. I don't think there's nearly enough profanity in the law.

-- Law Library

And the sake wasn't bad, either!

Captain Culture: I was at this really high-class Japanese restaurant, and they served the best sucky...

-- Hill behind Weldon, overheard by Jen

Because Ugg boots are so last year.

Girl: Stilts and a fat suit ... check.

-- Sarnia & Wonderland

Really? What about rainbows? Or puppies? Or ANYTHING?

Jogger girl: The only thing better than manure is warm manure.

-- Elgin parking lot

She's probably a science major.

Girl #1: Dammit, the hand dryer isn't working.
Girl #2: You know what? It's actually more unsanitary if you use those. They just pick the dirty air up off the floor and recycle it on your hands.

-- Women's washroom