Monday, October 31, 2005

Mmm ... journalistic integrity.

Guy: (talking about articles he writes for The Gazette) And I don't even have to worry about misquoting them because I can just fill in the blanks myself!

-- overheard by Noah

"They're also ... cutting off ... my circulation."

Girl: Like, these jeans ... are tight ... because my ass ... has, like, exploded.

-- Greyhound, overheard by Nikki

Money helps, too.

Girl: Shopping isn't fun unless you're excited about it. Like to go into a store and be like "I want all this stuff!" Otherwise it's just crap.

-- Greyhound, overheard by Nikki

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Whoa. Now you have her attention.

Girl #1: He's a tramp, Tracy!
Girl #2: I know.
Girl #1: He's such a slut!!!
Girl #2: I know.
Girl #1: A bigger slut than I am!!!

-- Jack's bathroom, overheard by Michelle

Weird! Gloria Steinem used to dress as a sleazy cheerleader too, and she had the exact same complaint!

Girl dressed as sleazy cheerleader: (irritated and yelling) I'm so sick of getting hit on by guys that I don't know!!!

-- Jack's, overheard by Michelle

Lesson #1 in lying to women: get your story straight.

Girl: So are you in school?
Guy dressed as doctor: Yup!
Girl: What program?
Guy dressed as doctor: I'm in ... doctor.

-- Jack's, overheard by Michelle

Friday, October 28, 2005

He's going about it all wrong. He has to make it all pretentious and sell it for $6 to deluded hipsters at Starbucks.

Guy #1: Here, it'll be good! Cappuccino and mango juice! Camango ... cappumango ... CAPPUCHANGO!
Guy #2: No...
Guy #1 tries to pour mango juice into Guy #2's iced cappuccino.
Guy #1: C'mon ... cappuchango!

-- Somerville House, overheard by Victoria

Thursday, October 27, 2005

In math, you've gotta take the excitement when you can...

Girl: I used to love factorials. They made math so exciting. It was like, "FOUR!"

-- Somerset Place

What a shitty deal.

Girl #1: I really need a colonic...
Girl #2: My sister loves them! She had one at camp, and has been addicted ever since!
Girl #1: Oh yeah?
Girl #2: Yeah, I think she had to take a break because she had so many though...

-- SSC washroom, overheard by Steph

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

It got eaten by the caribou, which was eaten by these guys. It's all part of the circle of life...

Girl: (examining a coin) Why are these men on the quarter? What happened to the bird?

-- Masonville Mall, overheard by Kathleen

I bet a vampire would do it.

Guy #1: Guys, you ever wonder what it would be like to eat out a girl while she was menstruating? Like, would you taste the blood?
Guy #2: Dude, that's sick!
Guy #1: But seriously, do you think you would?
Guy #2: I can't believe you're still talking about this!

-- Human Sex lecture on menstruation, overheard by Jenn

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

This just in: UWO to focus on expanding the vocabulary of its undergrads. First word: "vegetable."

Western Girl: Can I have a small sub with no meat on it?
Mr. Sub Lady: So, you want a veggie sub?
Western Girl: I want a sub with no meat on it.
Mr Sub Lady: Yes. A veggie sub.
Western Girl: Oh, is that what it's called? I guess I'll have one of those.

-- Talbot Cafeteria, overheard by Michelle

"Guh ... glo ... Globe ... and ... muh ... damn, this is hard!"

Girl: How do I study for the current events portion of the midterm?
Prof: Well, you could open up a newspaper.

-- SSC, Politics Class, overheard by Amanda

Monday, October 24, 2005

Slutowe'en is coming ... do you have your childhood-perverting costume picked out yet?

Girl #1: So what are you being for Hallowe'en?
Girl #2: Snow White.
Girl #1: What?? That's so conservative... I'm just going to wear lingerie. And maybe bunny ears.
Girl #2: Awesome! That's what I love about Hallowe'en; you can dress as slutty as you want, and it's allowed, because it can count as a costume! But don't worry - I, like, cut the skirt off real short, so it feels like my ass is hanging out.
Girl #1: That'll be cute. Know what I wish? I wish I kept all of my Hallowe'en costumes from when I was little, because then I could wear them again now, but they'd be all short and tight.
Girl #2: That would be so awesome!

-- Student Ghetto, overheard by Bonnie

To stop breathing ... crack fumes?

Girl #1: Maybe you should stop being a crack whore.
Girl #2: That's like asking me to stop breathing.

-- Alumni Hall

Claymation is so manly.

Guy #1: Man, that movie was so bad.
Guy #2: They totally should fire that director.
Guy #1: You know, if you leave a movie in the first ten minutes, you get refunded.
Guy #2: We should have done that! We could've seen Wallace and Gromit ... I love them!

-- Famous Players, overheard by Alix

The blocks! The fitting! The music! It's madness!

Girl #1: So you played old school Tetris all day?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Aren't you, like, really behind in your schoolwork?
Girl #2: Yeah. Tetris is way more important to me.

-- Valu-Mart

Sunday, October 23, 2005

He clearly thought it was a rhetorical question. Isn't Tom Welling's "restless, self-doubting" performance reason enough?

Guy #1: I definitely watched two episodes of Smallville last night.
Guy #2: What the fuck are you doing watching Smallville?!!
Guy #2: Eh?!

-- A bench outside Thames Hall, overheard by Ty

Friday, October 21, 2005

"Damn! Now what will I tuck my pants into?"

One-Ugg-booted girl: (to a male friend) Have you seen my boot?! Why would they take it?
Guy: 'Cause it's fucking hilarious?
Bootless Girl: (on cell to friend) Do you by any chance have my boot? I'm missing a boot! I don't have a boot!
Bootless Girl: (asking people in the area) Excuse me? Have you seen a boot?
Everyone laughs.
Bootless Girl: This is ridiculous!

-- Fourth floor Weldon, overheard by Victoria

He's one of the Van Buren boys!

Girl: What time does the library close?
A guy holds up eight fingers.
Girl: 3?
Guy: 12.

-- Weldon, overheard by Kristine

2006 will be the year of the stripper hurricane. Hurricane Candi, Hurricane Bambi...

Guy: Why are they naming hurricanes with receptionist-type names like Rita and Katrina this year? Why can't they come up with something better?

-- 31 Orchard Park, overheard by Peter

"And you'll have to deal with arbitrarily set amounts of time in the real world!"

Girl: What if we can't finish our midterm in 50 minutes?
Professor: Then I have less to mark.

-- Stats class, WSC, overheard by Goo

Don't forget the pleasure swing.

Girl #1: Can I be your boyfriend?
Girl #2: Sure!
Girl #1: Yes! Now my life is complete ... well, it will be once I get that double-sided dildo.

-- Richmond St.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Doesn't it also depend on whether he's alone in there?

Guy: Ok guys, I need a verdict. Does drinking in the shower make me an alcoholic?
Girl: No, it makes you a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

-- Off Campus, overheard by Cole

Oh, Wolverine, say it ain't so.

Student: Is it possible to get “super powers” such as “knife knuckles” through your parents' genes?
Dr. Mike: Yes, but you would probably have to mate with cutlery.

-- Super Psych, overheard by Mikey

But they'll bite you with their rabid garbage mouths, so it's still pretty stupid to chase them.

Guy #1: Hey look, a raccoon!
Guy #2: Let's chase it!
Girl: Um, guys, don't raccoons, like, spray?
Both Guys: That's called a skunk.

-- overheard by Mikey

"Dude, my mittens are huuuuge."

Girl #1: Hanging out with the guys is so much fun. Except all we ever do is sit around talking, drinking beer, and smoking pot.
Girl #2: Hey, it's a Canadian pastime.

-- UCC bus stop, overheard by Rhea

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The cram session of the M.R.S. majors:

Girl #1: I should probably wear the other shirt, because it's tighter, so it's hotter...
Girl #2: Yeah, but he would like the one you're wearing now, because it shows off your whole arm. He wants his future wife to show off her arms, you know.
Girl #1: Oh, then his wife is so lucky, whomever she may be...

-- Bathroom in Taylor Library, overheard by Lauren

Nor is there secondhand tan cancer.

A guy and a girl are sitting on a bench smoking.

Guy: What's with girls and tanning in winter?
Girl: Pfft! I hate tanning beds! They're a hot bed for cancer!
Guy: Oh, and what you're doing doesn't cause it?
Girl: Yeah, but I don't pay for my cancer! Wait...

--In front of Thames Hall, overheard by Bryan

'Tis the season to be skanky...

Girl: I love the summer. You can wear absolutely nothing.

--13 Wellington, overheard by Malcolm

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

You'll never need it anyway - there's no "D" in "billable hours"

Girl: [John], do you know how to put this back on?
Guy: What is it?
Girl: It's the letter D from my keyboard.

-- Law School, overheard by Rendes

Hey, after Stephen Harper, I'd settle for "doesn't look like he eats babies"

After a lecture given by Peter MacKay:

Guy: So how was it?
Girl: I don't agree with his policies, but I now know that he's hot.

-- Law School, overheard by Rendes

Ah, the old high-speed chase scene / toilet-papered shoe cliché...

Drunk girl #1: Ew, you've got toilet paper stuck to your shoe!
Drunk girl #2: Oh my God! I thought that only happened in the movies!

-- Bathroom at Jack's, overheard by Melissa

She know grammar good.

Girl #1: So we're learning about past and present participles in grammar class now...
Girl #2: That's not grammar! Grammar is like... "I... go... here..."? Ha ha ha!
Girl #1 walks away.

-- outside Somerville, overheard by Melissa

Rez staff now have to make sure students aren't wearing beer goggles.

Resident: I'd like to sign these two girls in, and my roommate is going to sign in these two guys.
Staff: Which two are the girls?

-- Saugeen entrance, overheard by Mike

"Oh, making out with people for spite is fun."

Girl #1: Hey!
Girl #2: Hey, how's it going? How's the mono?

-- Weldon elevators, overheard by Meg

Bending is my anti-drug.

Girl #1: Oh wow! A bendy bus! C'mon, let's sit in the middle!
Girl #2: Okay.
Girl #1: Oh I'm so excited! HERE WE GO! WE'RE BENDING!
Girl #2: We really need to get out more...
Girl #1: This is so fun, I'm not gonna lie!

-- 13 Wellington, overheard by Meg

Is that like Conan the Barbarian's gay and erudite cousin?

Drunk guy: I am Frasier the Inventress Viking!

-- Oxford, overheard by Deborah

Saturday, October 15, 2005

A music note? Sounds like he's going to need all the answers he can get.

Guy: I'm looking for this calculus book for my class.
Librarian: Do you have any idea what the title is, or the author?
Guy: It's for my ____ class. I know it has a music note on the cover.

The librarian leaves, looks for the book, and returns. She hands him a book with an integral sign on the front cover.

Librarian: Is this it?
Guy: Yes! Umm... do you have the answer book for it, too?

-- Taylor Library, overheard by Taylor

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Flatulence is the new spanish fly

Girl: My roommate and I, our pillow talk is gas.

-- Women's Washroom, The Wave

But it goes so well with bad highlights and a knockoff Louis Vuitton handbag!

Girl: They took away the tanning booths. Now where am I going to get a tan in winter?
Guy: I guess skin cancer isn't as "in" as it used to be.

-- McKellar Room, UCC, overheard by Brandon

", you wanna go out sometime?"

Guy: I guess I just haven't been the same since I got chlamydia from that tranny in Toronto.

-- Richmond St., overheard by Alix

Pssh, tons of cave-children were addicted to iron pills.

Guy: I don't understand this childhood eating disorder pica. Why do they like to eat dirt? Why don't they eat iron pills instead?
Prof: Dirt's been around a lot longer than iron supplements.

-- Class

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

John Travolta prefers to be called Bubble Man.

Guy: (asking question to prof) Is the term "bubble boy" gender-specific? Or are there "bubble girls" as well?

-- Med school class

"But you gotta take off your shirt!"

A guy is standing on a street corner. He has one boot on, one socked foot out in the gutter, and is yelling at girls across the street...

Guy: Hey baby! You have diabetic ketoacidosis! I can save you!

-- outside Club Phoenix

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

"The shrine to you is on my bedroom ceiling. I just lie there and wait for the tape to give."

Girl: But there are a lot of different ways to stalk somebody, right? I mean, I could just know your schedule by heart and have a shrine to you in my locker, and that would be enough.
Guy: Do you have a shrine to me in your locker?
Girl: No, just my winter coat.

-- Ivey

Monday, October 10, 2005

"Actually, I'm the new spokesmodel for Nutter Butter!"

Girl (after eating candy apples with friend): You have a nut on your butt.

-- Merici Lounge, overheard by Brandi

And in the end, you're only screwing yourself.

Guy to Friends: Sometimes all the effort put into masturbation just isn't worth the end result.

-- Near Atrium, overheard by Shane

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Sounds like a bandwidth problem waiting to happen.

Guy: He's lucky he wasn't sitting in front of you. He'd have your laptop shoved up his ass!
Girl: That reminds me of a painful experience...
Guy: When you had a laptop shoved up your ass?

-- Ivey, overheard by Matti

Friday, October 07, 2005

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: men with fabulous shoes.

Girl #1: I think he might be a metrosexual; he cares too much about clothes. I think I should dump him. I need a man with testosterone.
Girl #2: "It's not you, it's me. I like a man with testosterone." Best break-up line ever!

-- Booth Dining Room, Brescia Rez, overheard by Brandi

Presenting the future CEO of your company (brought to you by Google)

Guy: You know, 15 years ago I couldn't have put together a logical argument. Thank God for the Internet!

-- Ivey

Drugs are bad, mmkay?

An Ugg-boots-wearing girl is waiting in line, tapping her foot impatiently. The guy in line behind her keeps staring at her intensely. The girl gives him a what's-your-problem look.

Guy in line: Hey, do we know each other?
Ugg girl: Doubt it.
Guy in line: Hey ... yeah we do! We have the same drug dealer!
Ugg girl: (whispering) Shut the fuck up!

She leaves the line and storms off.

-- Imprint

"Because I've been meaning to tell you that you're a complete moron for weeks."

Girl #1: I can’t find my water bottle, am I stupid or something?
Girl #2: Do you really want me to answer that honestly?

-- overheard by Charles

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

And if the mayonnaise in this salad drops below 55 miles per hour, it'll explode!

Girl #1: We've gotta find a microwave...
Girl #2: There's a microwave in the atrium.
Girl #1: Yeah, but there's a huge line-up to use that one, and I really need it.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I have coleslaw!

-- Ivey, overheard by Rafal & Matti

If he caves on this, he has to cave on Guy Fawkes Day!

Girl: (to professor) Is there any possible way that the midterm could be moved to a day other than Hallowe'en because, you know, that's kind of a big drinking day.

-- Lecture, overheard by Theresa

"But I did spill malt liquor all over myself. Are you an alcoholic?"

Random Amorous Girl: Are any of you wearing [some specific cologne]?
Guy #1: Yeah.
Random Amorous Girl: Oh my god. I could smell it a mile away. I love it. Whenever I smell it at work it's like near orgasmic and I need go take my break!
Guy #1 to Guy #2 and Guy #3: I'm not wearing any cologne tonight.

-- Kegger, overheard by Blake

If that would make it a cyborg laptop, I'm all for it.

Guy #1: My laptop is always learning new things. It's like a living, growing adult.
Guy #2: My laptop is like an infant that needs a heart transplant.

-- Classroom, overheard by Andrew

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

She was looking at their faces? On your behalf, guys, ouch.

Girl #1: We were at the football game and walked by these guys and we said "Nice ass"; they turned around and said "Nice ass? What about these?", and they had their dicks out, and we were all like "eww", because they totally weren't that good-looking.
Girl #2: Yeah, most dicks are pretty gross-looking.
Girl #1: I meant the guys.
Girl #2: Oh.

-- Richmond 6, overheard by Jonathan

Dude, Oompa Loompas are the new supermodels

Girl #1: I'll be tanning in the winter.
Girl #2: Dude, can you get them to make you more yellow and less orange? You're totally going to look like an Oompa Loompa by December!

-- Brescia Student Council office, overheard by Meg

"It was the best of times, it was the ... blurst of times!? You stupid monkey!"

Girl #1: Did you know that if you give infinity monkeys infinity type writers they'll write a Charles Dickens novel?
Girl #2: That's not true. They tested it.

-- in line for the bar, overheard by Chris

President Jaundice would just veto everything anyway.

Girl #1: My parents want me to get my liver checked.
Girl #2: I wonder if my liver's shot.
Girl #3: Of course, that's why you're jaundiced ... oops, I mean, tanned.
Girl #2: Isn't jaundice only in your eye?
(All the other girls laugh.)
Girl #2: How much alcohol until your liver dies?
Girl #1: Oh about as much as you've had -- divided by 2!
Girl #2: I'm going to run for VP JAUNDICE!

-- Brescia Student Council Office, overheard by Meg

"There's a lot of idiots and not enough pot."

Girl #1: This is my dad, he's visiting me from B.C.
Girl #2: Really? How do you like Canada, sir?

-- Byron softball fields, overheard by Jenn

Or the pinball machine.

Guy #1: The ATM is the best machine ever invented.
Guy #2: What about the dialysis machine?
Guy #1: Oh. Never mind.

-- Honest Lawyer, overheard by Andrew

Monday, October 03, 2005

Thou, blondie, art my goddess; to thy Lulu Lemon-clad body my services are bound.

Guy #1: There are hot girls everywhere! I can't stop looking at them. It's like I'm a Shakespearean character.
Guy #2: What are you talking about?
Guy #1: You know, King Leer.

-- Alumni Circle, overheard by Andrew

He's African-American.

Girl: Holy shit, Waldo is hard to find!
Guy: Look! A gay man jumping into a sand pit.
Girl: There's a lot of gay men in this picture.
Guy: Do you think Waldo was gay?
Girl: I found Waldo!
Guy: Waldo isn't black.

-- Party, overheard by Jon

Getting ahead requires either hard work or sex. You pick!

Guy #1: It's Joe, I'm going to have sex with Joe.
Girl: Joe's a man?
Guy #2: Yes, Joe is a man, he's our supervisor!
Guy #1: Quickest way to the top!
Guy #2: So you're going to sleep with our supervisor, right?
Guy #1: He'd sleep with me or I'd sleep with him.
Guy #2: He has a family, why would he want to sleep with you? You can't provide for him!
Guy #1: I work for him! He knows I have a steady job!

-- Party, overheard by Dan

Y is for You Suck

Girl: I don't want to sound stupid but what are the big yellow Ys on the field for?
Guy: mean the uprights?!

-- Homecoming game, overheard by Noah

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Ya = everything except the jiggly bits

Blonde #1 (drunk): So, he pulled like a total Jerry Maguire on me... he's all like: 'I love ya.' Does he love me or what? Like, is ya the same as you, or different?
Blonde #2 (drunker): I think it's like, deep, but not too deep. He loves ya, but not all of you. You know?

-- Homecoming party, overheard by Melissa

" the sub-basement of DOOM!"

A girl on the first floor runs to catch the elevator.

Running girl: Are you going up?
Girl in elevator: No, we're going down...

-- Perth, overheard by canadiancornpop

In a relationship, one should conduct oneself with charm, wit, and grace.

Girl: Fuck you, you're fucking nothing. You're useless.
Guy: I'm not useless.
Girl: You are fucking useless! You're such a cunt, you fucking bitch ass, sleeping with some skank whore behind my back!
Guy: You are the skank whore!

-- Piccadilly, overheard by Jon

And he needed to ask how the summer went?

Guy: Jimmy! Fuck, buddy! How are you? How was your summer? You're rockin' those anal beads with the girls, eh?

-- bench outside UCC, overheard by Cara

Good call. When pancakes move to dinnertime, can ambush baptisms be far behind?

Guy #1: You get to eat pancakes for supper instead of breakfast. It's called Pancake Tuesday. Hey, you should come over and we'll try it.
Guy #2: Would I have to accept Christ as my saviour?
Guy #1: I'm pretty sure we could just make pancakes.
Guy #2: No. I'm not doing it.

-- Springett Parking Lot, overheard by Andrew

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Sadly, the profession no longer comes with an accreditation in mad science.

Girl #1: He's so scrawny!
Girl #2: His dad's supposed to be a bodybuilder.
Girl #3: Well, if his dad was a real bodybuilder, he would have built his son a body.

-- The Spoke, overheard by Justine