Wednesday, July 27, 2005

And you thought the Greek system had its priorities out of whack. For shame.

Sorority girl: There's something wrong with all of the other sororities. They're either ugly or nobody likes them really because they're too high-maintenance. But the guys pretend to like them. But really they don't. But all of the frats like to party with my sorority because we're so pretty and fun to be around and fun to party with. We're their favourite. It's because we're so down-to-earth.

-- UC Hill, overheard by Vidya

The killer eye/cheekbone combination is clearly a good reason to bat for the other team...

Guy (to girl): My cheekbones would go well with your eyes. We should go out.
Girl: Except for the whole "you like boys" thing.
Guy: Yeah... but i'm cool with extramarital affairs if you are.

-- UCC, overheard by Kevin

"Mackenzie King" / "Mackenzie, King"... It's all so similar...

TA: Sooo, can anyone tell me what the major audience of newspapers in Canada was in the 1820s - 1830s?
Blonde MIT girl: Oh, the elites... you know, like, ummm, like the Canadian royalty!
TA: .... Ummm, I don't think there was any royalty IN Canada in the 1830s... I was thinking more along the lines of merchants? Or, umm, lawyers?
Girl: Oh... Yeah, them too.

-- History of Communications tutorial, overheard by Steph

Swass (n.): Ass sweat. (We asked.)

Girl #1: (After heavy abdominal workout on exercise ball) Hey, do you think I should wipe my swass off of that ball before we leave?
Girl #2: That might be nice.

-- GoodLife Gym, Sherwood Forest

Monday, July 25, 2005

Bringing a whole new meaning to "Playing shirts and skins"

Girl #1: I don't know... I worry about these shorts when I play soccer. I feel like they ride down when I run, which may reveal some sort of jiggle...
Girl #2: Whatever; everybody has jiggle. Even the skinny girls. No jiggle means no skin, and would you really want to play on a team with someone with no skin?

-- Brescia Field

Sunday, July 24, 2005

That and being harder to kidnap.

Girl: I can't swim to save my life.
Guy: Me neither - I'm the slowest person ever. I have my bronze medallion, though. That's the weird thing. It was just me and this fat kid in the course together, and he'd always lap me on the timed swims.
Girl: Well, he probably floated more effectively than you did.
Guy: You're right. Fat kids do float better.
Girl: I know. That's their advantage.

-- TJ Baxter's

Her mom drops her off once she finishes her homework and does her chores.

Girl: Dude, I don't ride my bike to the strip club.

-- Barney's

Setting the bar high for household necessities

Girl: (perusing merchandise) Hmmmm... I definitely want a fly-swatter. But I don't think I want one that talks to me.

-- Masonville Mall

That depends on your target audience.

Girl: (posing beside boy) Is this good? Is this going to be a good picture?
Photographer: (sarcastically) Um, it could be. But maybe you should close your legs.

-- Richmond and Oxford

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Well, you are supposed to get tackled by the other team when you're trying to score...

Guy: I was in the middle of a field after a concert, just having a smooch with this girl, and all of the sudden some guy came along and tackled us! I had no idea what had happened; my first thought as I hit the deck was "Wow, was she that good?"

-- The Spoke patio

That's what you get for writing that "Ode to R&B Artists and their Sexy Facial Hair"...

Girl: Wanna hear something bizarre? Someone just found my blog by googling "how do I grow sideburns like Usher?"

-- Weldon Library

At least it's not her work ethic that's holding her back.

Girl #1: [Beth], you're the wind beneath my wings.
Girl #2: "The wind beneath your wings", eh? Are you hot-boxing your office over there?
Girl #1: Are you kidding? I work in the library! What am I, rich?

-- Cyberspace

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Overheard at Queen's: Idiocy takes a road trip

Girl, minutes before graduating: God, this is so boring. Well, at least we're up to the Ks, so we're, like, more than halfway through the alphabet...

-- Jock Harty Arena, Kingston, overheard by Matty

Will an RSVP be required?

Girl: Oh yeah? Well my PMS and I would like to cordially invite you to go fuck yourself!

-- Barney's

And boy, are those guys writing cases from the future mad!

Guy: You see, in law school, we study cases from the past.

-- Picton Place Apartments

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Hello, kettle? Yes, this is the pot. You're black.

Soph: (within earshot of many, many first-year students) Yeah, King's girls are fun to play with, but they're dumb as shit.

-- Huron University College, overheard by Daniel

Nothing says "funny" like rich asshole one-upmanship...

Soph #1: I was driving my dad's Jaguar this weekend; it was so awesome!
Soph #2: Yeah, this year's Jags are nice, but they're not as much fun to drive as last year's...

-- Huron University College, overheard by Daniel

Monday, July 18, 2005

Orientation leaders: see the difference a year of higher education can make.

Soph: Let's see... So if we have one person for each letter of the alphabet... that's like, 32 people!
Frosh: Umm...

-- Stevenson-Lawson building, overheard by Kevin

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Uh-oh! Um... carry the one...

Girl in shop: Can I get half a dozen bagels? (Looks at friend and thinks for a minute) Wait... how many is that?

-- Great Canadian Bagel on Richmond St., overheard by Mallory

Either she was no prize or somebody's got it totally backward.

Visibly intoxicated guy: (looks out the window of the restaurant) Hey, that guy's banging my girlfriend. Hahahahaha! Loser!

-- Prince Albert's Diner

Thursday, July 14, 2005

More like the Motel 6.

A group of students is setting up lawn chairs in a parking lot. It’s after dark, and they’re clearly starting some sort of tailgate party.

Girl #1: Where can I sit?
Girl #2: Here – you can take this chair.
Girl #1: Great, thanks! But…uh… (gestures to sandy seat of chair) could you make the sand go away?
Girl #2: What is this, the Ritz-Carlton?! You’re in a parking lot! (grudgingly brushes off chair) Fine. Here you are, your majesty!

-- Oxford Street Parking Lot

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Better than a functional alcoholic.

Girl #1: Dude, I bought the best slutty underwear yesterday.
Girl #2: What makes it slutty?
Girl #1: I define "slutty" as something you wouldn't be able to wear normally, under clothes.
Girl #2: I see ... I don't know, I wear some pretty slutty things normally, under clothes.
Girl #1: So you're a functional slut?

-- UC Hill

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

We don't know where he's going, but we like the logic that's taking him there!

Little-boy camper: That's not true! If the 11-year-old is stronger than both of the 12-year-olds, then he can go.

-- UCC

Feminists: their mandate is man-hate

Girl #1: And then we'll head to Barney's for the Mr. Barney's pageant, so we can objectify and ridicule men!
Girl #2: Sounds awesome! I usually just ridicule men, so objectification will be a nice change.

-- UCC

The minds of Western skanks: where tolerance goes to die

Paris Hilton Clone #1: I thought you said you didn't like brown people?
Paris Hilton Clone #2: God, bitch. I said Pakistani people. I'm not a fucking racist!

-- Weldon

Monday, July 11, 2005

He had no trouble, however, with her gold lamé hot pants.

Outraged guy: Just because Beyoncé eats it doesn't mean I'm gonna eat it!

-- Masonville Place

Readers: please answer the following question. Points will be given for creativity and sarcasm. Especially creativity, but especially sarcasm.

The traffic light changes from red to green. A car sits still as the five cars in front of it proceed through the light and the cars behind it begin to honk.

Pedestrian: What the hell are you doing? Stop fixing that screwdriver and GO! What do you need to be screwing while you're driving your car, anyway?

-- University Dr.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Flattery will get you everywhere.

Girl #1: 'Cause apparently I'm a huge slut...
Girl #2: Aw, who said that? You're one of the least slutty people I know! But then, I do know some pretty big whores...

-- Richmond St.

Beer: Helping you make good decisions since time immemorial.

Drunk girl: I know I must be drunk 'cause I have this sudden desire to vandalize something.

-- Palasad

Friday, July 08, 2005

Why straight men never last as personal shoppers...

Boyfriend: (calling to girlfriend in change room) What does it look like?
Girlfriend: I'm not getting it. It's too slutty.
Boyfriend: WHAT? Why not?!

-- Masonville Place

Thursday, July 07, 2005

And don't let him anywhere near a three-hole punch!

Guy: Uh-oh... the stapler is gone from the circulation desk. I really need to staple this!
Girl: Don't worry, I have a little stapler in my pencil case. You can use it if you want.
Guy: (happily stapling away) Wow, it's a good thing I don't have one of these! I'd be so distracted!
Girl: By a stapler? What would you be stapling that you don't staple already?

-- Law Library

Summer camp creates fine, upstanding youngsters.

Frazzled camp counsellor: Run to the tree! RUN TO THE TREE! Last one to the tree is a rotten egg!
Little girl: (to her friend) I fucking hate that guy.

-- Concrete Beach

And take your lame-ass lyrics with you.

Girl: You can't even spell "boy", Avril? Go the fuck back to Napanee.

-- Grad club

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

No arrrrrrrrrrrrrguments here.

Girl #1: I like the librarian's dress! It's covered in parrots! I bet she likes pirates...
Girl #2: Get serious. Everybody likes pirates.

-- Law Library

They have mullets, too, but that sure ain't gonna get them an NAACP Image Award.

Girl: (reading article about NASCAR being racist) NASCAR isn't racist! They have female drivers!

-- Chemistry class, overheard by Vanessa

If it's true, then Colonel Sanders went STRAIGHT to hell...

Girl: My personal vision of God is that He's a giant chicken, and He keeps getting madder and madder, 'cause "Stop eating so much chicken!"

-- Somerville

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Maybe you should try using your mouth.

Girl: Stop laughing! I'm trying to seduce you with my eyes!

-- Somerville

If by "face" you mean "penis"

Guy: Your boyfriend... is he the one with the really large face?
Girl: He sure is!

-- Brescia Field

Entertaining polite company: a lesson

Girl #1: Thanks for coming over and sharing the disaster fajitas with me!
Girl #2: Anytime. I'm always happy to eat meat off the floor.

--Sarnia & Wonderland

Monday, July 04, 2005

Better than being stuck with the crack cocaine.

German student: The problem with Germany is that you are really stuck with the hash.

-- House party