Friday, September 29, 2006

So many ways to score...

Two guys notice an attractive girl with a large gap in her teeth.

Guy #1: Hey, she's looking at you.
Guy #2: Yeah, I don't know whether to smile back or kick a field goal.

-- overheard by Brian

If this isn't a pick-up line...

Guy: Is my left one bigger than my right one? It feels that way.

-- UCC Men's Gym Changing room, overheard by Harms

With minds like this on the case, cancer will be cured in no time!

Pre-Med Student: And older people are more susceptible, because obviously, they're older, and their bodies are older, and more susceptible, and therefore, they're more susceptible.

-- overheard by Fred

Sports won't help her there - vegetarians tend to be pretty gamey.

Girl #1: My chances went out the window when he saw me play sports.
Girl #2: Thats not true! Guys like three things: girls, sports, and meat.
Girl #3: (to Girl #1) Yeah, but you're a vegetarian.

-- overheard by Krystle

Thursday, September 28, 2006

50.7% of the US population, based on 2004 election results.

Girl #1: What's the word for when there's just a voice and a harmony?
Girl #2: I think that's called "homophobic."
Girl #1: Really, homophobic?
Girl #3: Actually it's "homophonic."
Girl #2: Oh.
Girl #1: Then what does homophobic mean?

-- Music History, Talbot College, overheard by Claire

It's probably about the same size as the ladies' room.

A bunch of people are having drinks and one goes to the bathroom.

Girl: Who wants to follow him to the bathroom? I want to know how big it is.

-- The Spoke, overheard by Nathan

"And everyone knows how much fresh insight and perspective they bring to class discussions!"

Social Science Girl: My class is well balanced because there's lots of ugly girls.

-- overheard by Nathan

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Reach for that rainbow, sweetie.

Girl: You know, I really hope I meet a rich guy, 'cause I can't wait to be financially independent!

-- Concrete Beach, overheard by Andrew

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Don't want no short, short man.

Guy: So I have a lot of friends and stuff here... probably 'cause I'm really tall.
Date: (Shows interest)

-- TJ's Patio, overheard by Alex

Sounds like a PhD - a Pathetic, horny Degenerate

Guy in VIP Line: (to passing girls) VIP, ladies, VIP! Very Important Penis.

-- Barking Frog, overheard by Shannon

"I wanted to be the Paper Bag Princess, and this was all I could find. You, Ronald, are a jerk!"

A group of students is running by, dressed in garbage bag bikinis. Some guys, who are drinking, start harassing them.

Garbage Bag Bikini Girl: I didn't have a choice to wear this!

-- Runt Club, overheard by Jonathan

Monday, September 25, 2006

The second "S" is silent?

Bilingual Girl: Northern Quebec is like the Arkansas of Canada.

-- overheard by Sam

Um, obviously. We've already got, like, at least 3 Starbucks locations!

Torontonian Girl #1: I just found out London has an airport!
Torontonian Girl #2: Really? You mean London really is a place?

-- 9 Whitehills, overheard by Peter

Not with that attitude, she won't!

Two girls are discussing a guy they met earlier that night.

Girl #1: What's his name again?
Girl #2: Who the fuck cares? It's not like I'm going to be screaming it later.

-- GT's, overheard by Rhonda

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Ten is the new "I'm saving myself for marriage."

Girl #1: So we made a rule that [Jess] could only have ten guys before she gets married.
Girl #2: But that's not even close to enough!

-- On the road between Weldon and Thames Hall, overheard by Nathan

Opinion survey: He a) was excited; b) was offended; or c) would take what he could get - he's an engineer.

Engineering Guy: He's touching my special hole!

-- overheard by Nathan

There are inappropriate analogies, and then there's this.

Chapters Employee: (handing customer The Diary of Anne Frank) You should probably look at this one.
Big Sunglasses Girl: (looking at back of book) Who's Anne Frank?
Chapters employee: Um... she's the Paris Hilton of the Holocaust.
Sunglasses: Oh.

-- Chapters, overheard by Daniel

Apparently the only prerequisite to teach this class is an appetite for yogurt.

A group of students is working on a Cultural Studies lesson plan.

Girl: And then they can talk about whatever they celebrate, like if it's Jewishism, or whatever...

-- Althouse, overheard by Emily

"Let's bake some cookies for the boys!"

Two students are discussing their difficulty in understanding the biological aspects of the class readings.

Girl: I know there's a brain, I just don't care about it.

-- Sociology class, overheard by Stephanie

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

You know, a quarter would probably have paid for the extra bag...

Cabbie: So, I was at the grocery store, and I was buying a bunch of bananas and a case of Coke. I had the munchies, and it was going to do the trick. But the guy at the checkout didn't bag my Coke, and I didn't have the cab with me. I looked at the guy and said, "Can you bag that for me?" but the asshole gave me only one bag. So I said "Oh, I need a double bag 'cause I'm walking home." The little shit says "It'll cost you extra." I said "Who the fuck are you? I'll tell you what I've got - I've got a quarter. Go call someone who cares about your fucking double bags."

-- Aboutown cab on Richmond near Loblaws, overheard by Bryan

Monday, September 18, 2006

"More about a teenager's relationship with his oversized mammal."

A class is discussing the economics of conservation.

Professor: Remember Free Willy? No, it wasn't about sexual perversions in England.

-- Econ 020, overheard by EclectEcon

And no wonder - he'd probably spent the day on campus.

Two guys are sitting at a table, talking. A girl approaches the table and kneels down rather than grabbing a chair.

Guy #1: You know, I might be going out on a limb here, and stop me if I am... but I think you can pull a chair up.
Guy #2: I think that's the smartest thing I've heard all day.

--The Spoke, overheard by Dan

Thoughts of bearing many children: the new Spanish fly

Student: If our economic growth is going to be largely determined by labour force growth, isn’t one solution just for us to all have a lot of kids?
Professor: Yes, [Bryan], that’s right. And you know what? That’s a great line at the bar. ‘Cause now you have another reason – "For the country."

-- Ivey

Thursday, September 14, 2006

8 hours before the most awkward morning-after ever...

Scene: a living room. Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On is playing in the background.

Guy: Wow, this is awesome. Two girls in the room, some mood music playing, and my stomach full of liquefied meat...

-- Platt's Lane, overheard by Claire

"But that makes it so much harder to get off... er... on-base!"

Guy #1: Dude, my forearm is killing me.
Guy #2: What'd you do?
Guy #1: Well... I was having some private time last night.
Guy #3: See, that's why you've gotta be a switch hitter.

-- Thames Hall

Proof that you need to spend some time alone with the English language.

Girl #1: 'Kay, so I don't get this grammar. A verb is an action word, right?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: And an adverb modifies a verb?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Okay, so... what's a jective?
Girl #2: ...

-- overheard by Kyle

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

"Predictable," "easy"...

A bus pulls up to a group of girls at a campus bus stop and the door opens. The girls don't get on.

Bus Driver: Where are you going?
Girl #1: Downtown
Bus Driver: This bus goes downtown.
Girl #1: No, we're waiting for the 6.
Bus Driver: Oh, the 6? It broke down at the bottom of the hill. It's being towed and it'll never come.
Girl #2: Really?!
Bus Driver: PSYCH!

The bus driver closes the doors and pulls away. He picks up the microphone.

Bus Driver: (to passengers) Man, Western girls are so predictable... It must be all the alcohol!

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by Alix

Yes, he's clearly ready to move on to more advanced material.

Professor: Now, do these two sentences have the same form, or no?
Guy: Yes, they do. They have the same syntax.
Professor: Oh, have you taken a psycholinguistics course before?
Guy: No, I just know grammar good.

-- Psycholinguistics class, overheard by Caylen

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

But when Clay Aiken lost American Idol, she cried buckets.

A group of girls is talking about television.

Girl: (Complaining) The only channel I have is the news. Like I really care who blew up who in Israel today!

-- In line at the used book store, overheard by Vicky

Monday, September 11, 2006

Little did he know that just 9 months later, in a shotgun wedding ceremony...

Sophs are handing out complimentary Sex with Sue Kleenex after the show during O-week.

Frosh: Awesome! You can't get Kleenex pregnant!

-- Talbot Hill, overheard by K

"Of course, I'd have to explore further to be absolutely sure."

Guy: I've been having sex with my girlfriend, but i think she has chlamydia.

-- overheard by Parth

Sunday, September 10, 2006

"Imagine my surprise today when I looked at a map for the first time ever."

Canadian girl: See, I always thought that Canada was North America, and that South America was the United States.

-- Abroad, overheard by J

"We had to! We couldn't get onto Platform 9 3/4!"

Girl #1 (to Girl #2): Was traffic bad coming from Toronto?
Girl #2: No, we pretty much flew the whole way.
Girl #3: You FLEW here?!?

-- Kingston, overheard by J

If the latter could be mistaken for the former, then duck and cover.

Girl #1: (Looking at prints in the sand) Wow, it looks like a t-rex was here.
Girl #2: Yeah... or a seagull.

-- Grand Bend, overheard by Erin

Thursday, September 07, 2006

"My parents' $5000 a year for tuition was soooo worth it."

Girl: Yeah, my class is helping me learn all those really hard terms so I understand the shows like SVU and CSI so much better now.

-- Richmond 6

"My own personality and lifestyle choices have nothing to do with it."

Arts Guy: (to Med Sci guy) My father hates me because I'm not you.

-- Call the Office, overheard by Peter

Hopefully a remedial math course.

Blonde Girl: God, I can't believe I spent like $900 last week... my hair cost $100 and I spent $600 on something else.

-- Call the Office, overheard by Peter

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Axe Body Spray: Strong Enough for a Man; Made for the Hopelessly Deluded

Guy: I heard that antiperspirant caused cancer, so I switched to Axe body spray. It works out really well - chicks love me.
Guy's date: You live on some other planet.

-- Platt's Lane, overheard by Claire

Monday, September 04, 2006

But if it doesn't sting a little, you'll never learn your lesson.

Girl: You know what the worst thing is about being keelhauled? The barnacles.

-- Richmond Row, overheard by Susie