Wednesday, August 31, 2005

"Just be glad I didn't name you for the other thing you like to blow!"

Girl #1: You call me Chunks! You're so mean!
Girl #2: It's not because you're fat! It's because you always throw up when you're drunk!

-- Centre Spot

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

And then she got the old fluoride treatment.

Guy on cell: So she was complaining about the hair in her teeth, and I was like, nine out of ten dentists recommend flossing.

-- UCC

It's okay as long as they give you their hats -- no, wait, it's not.

Girl: Ah! I can't believe I'm dancing for truckers again!

-- Richmond St.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Wow, ladies really do love Cool James. Well played, sir.

Girl #1: You see that poster of LL Cool J with the duct tape over his mouth? Over in Aldo? Do you have any idea how much I want that?
Girl #2: I can guess. It combines LL Cool J with bondage images; there's just no bad there.

-- Masonville Mall

If it would mean having a PhD in deliciousness, then yes.

Girl: Don't you wish your name was Professor Fudge?

-- Barney's

"Take your shirt off and we'll let you know."

It's about 10pm, and two guys are seated on a patio. A large group enters. Although the patio is empty, the group situates itself right beside the two guys, one of its members bumping rudely into the table on the way by.

Guy already seated: No, I'm sorry. That's just not right.
Rude guy: (smirks at the guy, says nothing)
Guy already seated: Hey, can I ask you a question?
Rude guy: (looks at guy, raises eyebrow)
Guy already seated: Do I look good enough to go to the beach right now?

-- Alex P. Keaton's

Don't even ask about the December issue...

Girl: Oh man - if you stack the 2004 Cosmos in order, they form the torso of a naked man! Wow, that June issue is kind of weird... it's just nipples...

-- Richmond St.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Giving Ashlee Simpson a run for her money at the "worst lyrics ever" awards

Girl: La la la la, these eggs are cold.

-- Windermere Road

Now this shit is bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S)!

Girl #1: (screeching like a monkey) oo oo oO OO OO AAH AAH AAH!
Girl #2: I feel like the "oo"s need to transition into the "AAH"s a little bit more smoothly...
Girl #1: Good to know, thanks. I'm looking to improve my monkey noise. You know, just in case.
Girl #2: In case of what?! In case you meet monkeys?

-- Wonderland

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

"No, actually, I turned myself on."

Two girls are shopping at La Senza, among many other shoppers.

Girl #1: They just said "panties" about five times. I know that word skeeves you out. Are you gonna be okay?
Girl #2: Yeah. I really only hate it when it's said in a perverted way. Like paaaaaanties ... ahh! Ew!
Girl #1: Oh my god! You just grossed yourself out!

-- Masonville Mall

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

A note to the broadcast media: always deliver security alerts in rhyming couplets. This will help to prevent mass panic.

Guy on P.A. system: Security to sector four, security to sector four ... There is a penny on the floor!

-- A&P, Sherwood Forest Mall

Monday, August 22, 2005

Fecal Friday is even more fun.

Girl: It's Urination Monday! I promise we won't bring it up tomorrow!

-- Picnic tables

"Because Superman is hotter, that's why!"

Girl: Please don't send me Batman porn at work.
Guy: Why?

-- Weldon

Friday, August 19, 2005

Because sushi makes everyone super-dued

Girl #1: You're really subdued today.
Girl #2: I know, and I can't figure out why.
Girl #3: I don't know why either - you should be super-dued!

-- Wonder Sushi

Citizen Kane was all rented out that night.

Dude #1: Hey, I saw that movie The Mummy last night.
Dude #2: Hey, cool. What was it like?
Dude #1: It was cool. It was all, like, there was this guy, and he was all, like, Indiana Jones ...
Dude #2: Sweet.
Dude #1: Yeah. And he like went down into the tomb, and the mummy was there, and the mummy was all like "RAAAAAA!" and the guy was all like "WHOOAAAA!"
Dude #2: (pause) Cool.

-- #6 Bus entering Western, overheard by Chris

Thursday, August 18, 2005

You've also gotta make sure you don't sit behind him for the next few hours.

Girl: Come on, you've gotta respect a guy who can eat 8 bowls of chili in, like, 10 minutes!

-- Oxford St.

If she refines it a little, she's got a decent master's thesis in Film Studies there.

Girl #1: Hey, there's a full moon. Would you still be my friend if I became a werewolf?
Girl #2: That would depend on whether or not you were like Teen Wolf.
Girl #1: ...Do you mean you'd be my friend if I were like Teen Wolf, or if I weren't like Teen Wolf?
Girl #2: If you were like Teen Wolf! Dude, haven't I told you the story of when I got really drunk and rambled for half an hour about how the movie Teen Wolf is an extended metaphor for puberty? Think about it! He starts getting all hairy, he's having new feelings...

-- Richmond St.

"But I want to mock you right now!"

Girl: Chew and swallow, and then insult me.

-- House party

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

And we wonder why they have their own full-time IT staff...

Professor: Now, for tomorrow's assignment you're going to need to be able to access some material on the Web. Does everybody have Internet access? Show of hands? Okay, if you absolutely can't get access to the Internet, just send me an email and let me know.

-- Ivey

Rocky Dennis is so going to smite them.

Guy: Hey, let's rent movies about deformed people. Like The Elephant Man.
Girl: Why?
Guy: Because they're funny.

-- Blockbuster Video

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Ivey unveils its new motto...

Ivey lecturer: Cash is good. We like cash a lot.

-- Class, overheard by Chet Q. Cashington III

Monday, August 15, 2005

Instead of being "The A Team", they're "The A+ Team"

Girl #1: I met my learning team today!
Girl #2: You have a learning team?
Girl #1: I sure do!
Girl #2: Is that like a crime-fighting team?
Girl #1: Kind of. Only instead of fighting crime, we fight ignorance.

-- Law Library

Ah, priorities.

Girl #1: I met cute boys with no wedding rings!
Girl #2: Did they have huge cocks?

-- UCC

They get that question at Wal-Mart all the time.

Cashier: That comes to $1.90.
Guy: Can I pay with debit?

-- A&P, overheard by Dan

Friday, August 12, 2005

It isn't as good as the original Ass Pirates, but it's far superior to the dismal Ass Pirates 2: Swabbing the Deck.

Girl #1: The smoking has got to stop. We have to get her addicted to something else, instead.
Girl #2: How about porn? We should totally get her addicted to porn!
Girl #3: Why would we want to do that? What purpose would that possibly serve?
Girl #2: It'd be hilarious, that's why! Think of it: "Sorry, guys, I can't go out tonight; I've rented Ass Pirates 3."

-- Parking lot

Apparently he actually did it. We wish him well through the stomach-pumping.

Girl: Big Macs are so good! I can eat 1.5 then I puke -- how many can you eat?
Guy: I don't know, my record is six.
Girl: Shut up, no one can do it.
Guy: Sure I can.
Girl: Fine! Tomorrow at lunch!

-- Barney's patio, overheard by Johnny

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Your future life is playing D&D in your mom's basement amid stacks of empty Fritos bags and 80s Playboys. Just accept it.

Person #1: So, do you have any idea what you're going to do with your life? Like, career-wise?
Person #2: Maybe you should breed dragons?
Person #3: Or slay vampires?
Person #4: Well, that sounds okay, but I'd want something more academically challenging.
Person #2: What if you slayed vampires with knowledge?
Person #3: Yeah, like using complex math problems to kill them.
Person #2: Hmm, well I could do something like that. Maybe go on a game show like Jeopardy! but instead of regular categories it could have like calculus and algebra, maybe some imaginary numbers and letter formulas.

-- North Campus 101, overheard by John and Sylvia

He meant "Kick me with your wooden shoes."

3rd baseman: All right, guys, only one out. Let's plug the dike.
1st baseman: What does that mean?!
Batter: Are you calling me a dyke?!
3rd baseman: It's a classic Dutch baseball expression!

-- Huron Flats

Mr. Freeze totally died for our sins.

Guy #1: (holding a Freezie) Oh, man! I really needed something cold ... you know, Freezies are God's way of telling us that we're all just human.
Guy #2: ...what the fuck? So you're saying we should make a religion for popsicles?
Guy #1: Fuck no, those popsicle-lovers are fucking pagans!

-- Caf below UCC, overheard by Kevin

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Undergraduate studies: where creative, independent thought goes to die.

Girl: Hey, do you know how to do this question?
Guy (gesturing to his own paper): Sure. First you write this down... and then you write this down. Do you get what this means?
Girl: No. What does it mean?
Guy: I'm not entirely sure. But this is what it says in the solutions manual, so it must be right.

-- Med Syd Hall, overheard by Flash

Monday, August 08, 2005

Talk about a mad cow...

Girl #1: We've been through this. You're not beefy.
Girl #2: I'M FULL OF BEEF!!!

-- Somerville House

Friday, August 05, 2005

She prefers the slutty, silent type.

Guy: Britney Spears is pretty hot... in a slutty kind of way.
Girl: Yeah, I think so too. I'd sleep with her, but I just wouldn't want her to talk. Of course, I think that about a lot of people.

-- The Wave

Waiting for your modern-day Prince Charming:

Girl #1: So how was your date with him?
Girl #2: It was good! I would definitely recommend him to a friend... I mean, he wasn't crazy!

-- The Wave

The result of some bubblegum- or shit-related childhood trauma, perhaps? Let's hope for the former.

Girl #1: It smells like bubblegum in here.
Girl #2: Yeah, and also like shit.
Girl #3: I fear for my life.

-- Ladies' Room, Bar King Frog

Thursday, August 04, 2005

A novelty foam hat, perhaps? A plush penguin? What are you, a piñata?

Girl: I don't think I want to have any babies either, but I think I'd like to have something come out of my uterus. You know, just to say that I did it.

-- Somerset Place

Alternatively, you could major in Alan Thicke's career...

Girl #1: I remember being really up in arms when we had to learn imaginary numbers in high school. I was like, "Why do I need to learn these if they don't even exist?" So my teacher at the time told me that they were pretty much the basis for all of electrical engineering, and that was a good enough answer for me.
Girl #2: Frankly, that's why I didn't want to go into electrical engineering. I'd end up with a whole degree based in something that doesn't exist. If I want degrees in imaginary things, I may as well major in unicorns. Maybe I could get a minor in fairy dust and cold fusion, while I'm at it.

-- Sebastian's on Richmond

Witness the birth of a new Western girl nickname

Drunk chick #1: Oh my god, this shirt is totally see-through. You can see my nipples!
Drunk chick #2: Ha ha, nipples.

-- Bar King Frog

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Our sarcasm just wasn't strong enough to take on this Overheard...

Guy #1: Who do you think is the sexiest Disney character?
Guy #2: Oh, definitely Pocahontas!
Guy #2's girlfriend: Pocahontas?! But she's not even white!!!

-- Med-Syd, overheard by Andrew

Monday, August 01, 2005

Because "Lank and Greasy" is the new Aubergine.

Roommate #1: Do you think I should wash my hair?
Roommate #2: When's the last time you washed it?
Roommate #1: 5 days ago.
Roommate #2: Eww! Then yes, I think you should wash your hair!
Roommate #1: Really? Hmmm... I think I'm just going to leave it; I don't want to lose the colour...

-- Essex, overheard by Stephanie

It wasn’t that he couldn’t accommodate your request; more that you’re a failure as a human being

Guy in ACS HR, on phone: Yes, hello, AboutTown? How long would it take to order a disabled cab? Oh, okay, great. Yes, I'll take one of those. Their name? No, I need to move a barbeque... What do you mean? They both have wheels! Hello? Hello?!

-- UCC, overheard by Adam