"Yuck. I'm taking these spirit fingers outta here."

Male Cheerleader: Hey! Were you a cheerleader too?
Guy: Nope, not me.
Male Cheerleader: Oh... so you're just, like, a regular person?
Guy: ...

-- Off-Campus Party, overheard by Caylen

Meanwhile, at "Overgeneralized at Western"...

Guy #1: People that live in ghettos are rich, man! Didn’t you know?
Guy #2: What the hell are you talking about?
Guy #1: They’re rich in street cash! From selling crack!

-- Richmond 6, overheard by Rachel

No, it was Mariah Carey!

Two girls are discussing their Hallowe'en costumes:

Girl #1: Hmmm... maybe I should get some glitter. Everyone needs glitter.
Girl #2: Yeah, you never hear people say "I wish I was less sparkly."
Girl #1: I agree.
Girl #2: Actually, I take that back - I have heard someone say it.
Girl #1: Was she a commie?

-- Law School

Only if the dumpster's on a dark square to which you are still able to jump.

Prof: Let's say I'm playing checkers in my apartment and, through some unfortunate checkers accident, I lose a leg. I've gotta get rid of this somehow. Am I permitted to dump it in a public dumpster?

-- First-Year Law Class, overheard by Adam & Melissa

Large US corporations: "We gouge because we care."

Scene: Outside the "Backstage" store. Their sign says INDEPENDENT STORES ROCK!!!.

Girl #1: What's an independent store? Let's go to American Eagle!
Girl #2: Isn't their stuff all made in China?
Girl #1: I'd rather give my money to those little kids than some independent store!

-- Masonville Mall, overheard by Dave

"We also loathe the sunlight, and we feed on puppy entrails and the tears of small children."

Law Girl: We're Conservatives! We don't believe in constitutional rights.

-- overheard by Tiffany

By exam time, they'll be begging to spend their nights with John and Dotsa Bitove.

Girl #1: I love Taylor!
Girl #2: Yeah... he's great. I would never cheat on him.
Girl #1: Yeah, especially not with the likes of D.B. Weldon!
Girl #2: Weldon sucks! Doesn't suit my tastes...
Girl #1: I heard he's salty.

-- Taylor Library, overheard by Lina

Either way, he comes out... *ahem*... on top.

Girl #1: So, I'm sleeping with [Jeff] this weekend.
Girl #2: (angry) No way! I totally shotgunned sleeping with [Jeff] this weekend!

-- Greyhound Station, overheard by Rhonda

Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have giardia.

Devilishly handsome law student: (approaching urinal and peering inside) Ooh, there's change in here!

-- UCC washroom, overheard by Mike

Here at OAW, we think all flavours of cookie are equally smart.

Girl #1: Don't worry, I'm sure you did great. You're a smart cookie.
Girl #2: Can cookies be smart?
Girl #3: Yeah. They can be, like, vanilla and stuff.

-- 6 Richmond, overheard by Schona

Your student dollars: once again, working to further your education.

In Health Services, the informational programming is providing advice on what to do when meeting someone who is gay.

TV: Do not run screaming from the room. This is rude.

-- Health Services, overheard by Stephanie

"They're, like, soooo similar."

Two girls are talking about one of their roommates' boyfriends.

Girl: I don't know... if someone doesn't like you, it's 'cause they're racist! (Giggles)
Friend: But he's not really white... he's from Israel.
Girl: Like, so he's a Muslim?
Friend: Muslim people aren't from Israel!
Girl: Oh?
Friend: They're Jewish!
Girl: Oh, okay. I knew it was one or the other. (Giggles)

-- Taylor Library, overheard by Sara

Incredibly popular or part-time student? You be the judge.

Girl #1: I don’t like going to class.
Girl #2: Yeah, I know, it’s totally boring.
Girl #1: No, I don’t like going because I have at least one ex-boyfriend in each class!

-- overheard by Matt

Not to mention subtlety.

Guy: You have amazing looks, intelligence ... what DON'T you have?
Girl: My virginity.

-- The Bar King Frog, overheard by Matt

The odds are actually one in seventeen.

Four guys from Western are sitting on the patio at the Frog.

Drunk Girl: Do any of you boys have a cigarette?
Guys: Sorry, we don't.
Drunk Girl: Well, what do all of you do? Are you in school and shit?
Guy #1: Actually, my buddy over there is a manager at McDonald's.
Drunk Girl: Hahahahaha!
Guy #1: I don't see how that's really funny. He's proud of his accomplishment.
Drunk Girl: (cockily) Well... I'm in university.
Guy #2 (Pretending McDonald's Manager): That's really good for you... What program are you in?
Drunk Girl: Psychology!
Guy #2 (Pretending McDonald's Manager): What are the odds!!! That's the program I was in!
Drunk Girl: (Shocked silence)

-- The Bar King Frog, overheard by Mundo

Confucius says...

A father walks his son (about 6 years old) into a washroom stall. They leave the stall again almost immediately.

Son: Sorry Dad, I guess I didn't have to go...
Father: It's okay, son, sometimes it's only a fart.

-- Knights game, overheard by Geoff

They don't really develop umbrella skills until age 16.

Girl is fidgeting with her umbrella in a crowded elevator when suddenly the rod extends, hitting the ass of the girl in front of her.

Girl: (laughing) Sorry. I'm like a 14-year-old boy with this thing.

-- Weldon Library, overheard by Heather

Keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on me...

Girl #1: You have to stop hitting on that guy.
Girl #2: What guy?
Girl #1: You know, that guy I like!
Girl #2: Oh, no, you see I was actually hitting on him FOR you! Don't worry.

-- Bathroom at the Barking Frog, overheard by Pam

Say it with us: karma.

Two girls come into Taylor Library, talking about engineers.

Girl #1: ...they think they're so smart 'cause they have math and equations and shit.
Girl #2: I hate how they think colouring themselves purple is so cool. It's, like... so wrong.
Girl #1: (sitting down at a table) They wouldn't last a second in any of my courses. I bet I'm smarter than all of them.
Girl #2: And it's not like they do anything for the world either. They only crunch numbers and make bridges fall.

Girl #1 opens her laptop, pushes a button, and looks at it expectantly. Her iBook is not plugged into any electrical outlets at this point. After a moment she pushes the button repeatedly and finally smacks it.

Girl #1: Dammit! I think there's something wrong with the screen! It worked this morning!
Girl #2: Maybe the hard drive is like... defragmented or something.

-- Taylor Library, overheard by Ivan

Mouthy Bus Drivers, vol. 4

The bus is extremely crowded and more people are getting on.

Bus driver over PA: Everybody, there's a sale at the back! Please migrate there. Unfortunately, there's no stock left so I'll give a raincheck. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!

Later in the ride, the bus is tilting slightly to one side from being too full.

Bus driver over PA: Can everyone please shift to the right please? RIIIIGHT RIIIIIIIIIGHT? Geez, did everyone eat dinner already?!

-- 13A Wellington, overheard by Lina

Statistically speaking, you'll do better if you actually unwrap your textbook.

Stats Girl: Is there actually an equation for the variance?

-- Taylor Library, overheard by James

Clearly his friend is in the Strawberry White Zinfandel camp.

Guy #1: (to girl) Nice pink shirt.
Guy #2: That's not pink. It's more of a rouge... or, like, a rosé... kind of like a fine red wine.
Guy #1: Dude, you are such a homo.

-- Outside of King's College Library, overheard by James

If by "bypass the line" you mean "stand at the back and hit on 17-year-olds."

Guy: I can bypass the line if I'm over 18, right?

-- Saturday night Jack's Lineup, overheard by Brendan

"...That it's quite close to the city of Spain."

Girl: (giving a presentation) And so what we've learned about the country of Africa is...

-- Anthro 026G, overheard by Leah

"Maybe it got better and went back to play with its friends in the forest!"

Girl #1: I went to Campbell's today on my way back [to London].
Girl #2: The one in Listowel, right?
Girl #1: Yes.
Girl #2: Was that dead fox still on the side of the road in front of there?
Girl #1: I didn't see one.
Girl #2: Oh. It was there when I went by on Saturday.

-- Woodward Avenue, overheard by Steph

The "throw darts at the course listing" selection method backfires again...

Girl: So, I'm taking Writing for Publication, and they, like, expect us to submit writing for publication...

-- 13 Wellington, overheard by Laura

Special Feature: Overbaked At Western - Part 2

The guy in this story had dropped into the apartment 2 minutes earlier.

Guy: (putting on shoes) Well, I’m leaving.
Random Girl: Ooh, where are you going?
Guy: I’m going to knock on random doors in the building and see if anyone answers.
Girl: Can I come with you?
Guy: Um, sure.
Girl: What are we going to do if anyone answers?
Guy: I’m going to see if the person is female, and if she is, I’m going to see if she wants to sleep with me.
Girl: Oh. Never mind.

-- Oxford St.

Special Feature: Overbaked At Western - Part 1

Guy #1: Man, my eyes are so bloodshot. They’re like ketchup chips. (He's also holding a bag of ketchup chips.)
Guy #2: Dude… then what happens if you look at a ketchup chip real close? Is it like looking in the mirror?

-- Oxford St.

"It's UWO, dammit! I thought I was signing on for colourful blocks and naptime!"

Girl: My prof starts using words and that's it, I'm done.

-- Spoke, overheard by Chris

Step 1: Fillet the vegetarian.

Girl: How do you make a vegetarian steak?
Guy: That's called chicken, right?

-- The Spoke, overheard by Chris

Biggest shock: that AC Slater wasn't somehow involved.

Engineering guy: .... it's the Screech sex tape, where he does nasty stuff and gives a Dirty Sanchez, so they called it "Saved by the Smell".

-- The UES Lounge, overheard by Nathan

All the poetry in the world to choose from, and he chose this as his phrase of seduction.

English Major: I'll read you [Ezra] Pound.... while I POUND you!

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by M

Parenting by Example: A Chronicle

A family of four approaches a bus stop. The parents are in their early thirties, the boy is five, and the girl is around the same age. The kids are running amok.

Father: (yelling) Stop running around or you'll fall and get yourselves dirty! (The kids ignore him.) Stop it! If you get yourself dirty, you won't go to Nana's! (The kids continue to run around, screaming and laughing.) Okay, if you fall and get yourself dirty, you're going right back home! I'll call Nana and tell her we're not coming!

After continuing to try this tactic for five minutes or so, the father picks up the boy and sets him down beside the bus shelter.

Father: Stay put! Or you're not going! (The daughter is still on the loose.) [Jenny]! Stand beside your brother NOW!
Mother: [Jenny]! Stand beside [Jack]!

The father attempts to get [Jenny]. [Jack] runs off to stand with his mother. The father gets [Jenny] and places her beside the shelter.

Father: [Jack]! Stop running around! If you fall, you're going back home, I mean it! Stand beside your sister!
Mother: He doesn't want to stand there!

The father picks up his son and places him beside his daughter. [Jenny] pushes [Jack] away. [Jack] runs off again.

Mother: That's why he doesn't want to stand there! Will you fucking leave him alone? He was fine standing with me!
Father: Okay, if you're giving me that attitude, YOU'RE not going to Nana's.
Mother: What!? What's about YOUR attitude!? You woke up with an attitude this morning! Stop arguing with a five-year-old!
Father: Okay, that's it, I'm going home. (He walks away.)
[Jack]: Is Daddy going to come back?
Mother: I don't give a shit whether Daddy comes back or not! (yells to the husband) Give me a key so I can get back into the house!

The father continues walking. Frustrated, the mother takes her children and walks back to her house. Five minutes later, the family returns.

Father: If you fall and dirty yourself, you're not going to Nana's!

-- Limberlost, overheard by Tim

Suddenly, as if by magic, he found the root of the problem.

The prof is talking about cartels in early 20th-century Germany.

Prof: (to class) Does anyone know what a cartel is?
Class: (silence)
Prof: Drug cartel - does anyone know what a drug cartel is?
Class: (silence)
Prof: Does anyone know what drugs are?

-- MIT 372, overheard by Dan

Mom will be so thrilled.

Girl: You’re definitely going to have to sleep in a separate room when you meet my parents.
Guy: Are you serious? Man, a whole weekend without being able to cup the snowglobe of your right cheek…

-- Richmond & Oxford, overheard by Rachel

Someone call Marketing - it's working!

Two guys are walking through the UCC atrium. They notice the pride flag.

Guy #1: Guy, what's that flag? I see that thing fuckin' everywhere. That thing looks fuckin' gay.

-- UCC Atrium, overheard by Chandheeb

"When it starts to burn, I know it's working!"

Girl: Sometimes I spray Windex on myself to make me smell better.

-- Essex Cafeteria Dinner, overheard by Alice

And the rate of change of this guy's ignorance is... zero.

A guy gets kicked out of the annual Western Snowboard Club party at Call The Office, and continues to try and fight the huge bouncer.

Club Manager: You’re stupid.
Snowboarder: I’m not stupid! I got a ninety in math!
Bouncer: What?
Snowboarder: Yeah, do you know what the derivative of 2x is?
Bouncer: No...
Snowboarder: It’s x, stupid!

-- Call the Office, overheard by Talya

Wrong - you're all sheep.

Guy #1: (to girl) If I was any animal, what would I be?
Girl: You'd be a dolphin.
Guy #2: No, I'd be a dolphin.
Guy #1: I'd be a fucking centaur.
Girl: (Laughs)
Guy #2: (to girl) You'd be a fucking sloth.

-- Some Random Party, overheard by Dan

Relativity Appreciation Month - Part 2

Guy: (looking at a picture the professor has just put up) Why is Einstein wearing a hockey helmet?
Girl: Duh. It’s Einstein. He does all kinds of weird things.

-- Japanese 030 (Huron College), overheard by Drew

Relativity Appreciation Month - Part 1

Blonde, Big-Sunglasses Girl: Hey look! It's that guy EIN-STEEN!

-- Imaginus Poster sale, overheard by Lina

Think... bigger. And invisible to the American eye.

First-Year #1: I'm so confused... like, what the hell is a WMD?
First-Year #2: I think it's like a really big gun or something.
First-Year #1: Yeah, that's it. Like, a WMD-40.

-- Tim Horton's line-up in Social Sci., overheard by Meghan

That's what we call a special collection.

Student: I'll have a Guinness, please.
Person Behind Counter: Sorry, we're out of Guinness. Would you like a Kilkenny?

-- Music Library Circulation Desk, overheard by Dave

Ladies and Gentlemen: your Cross-Enterprise Leaders

Ivey Girl #1: This is so, like, pathetic. There are hardly any alumni here!
Ivey Girl #2: I know, we’re Ivey! We are, like, better than everyone else, so there’s no excuse. This is what we do... we attend parties and functions.

-- Ivey Homecoming, overheard by Chad

"Whereas on a typical day, because of the horse tranquillizers..."

Guy: I woke up this morning and I was, like, breathing. It felt like there was a hole in me... I could feel my chest.

-- 6 Richmond, overheard by Brittany

Well. That was unexpected.

Girl #1: Hey, are you Korean?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: Japanese?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: Chinese?
Girl #2: Yes.
Girl #1: You look like the typical Western Hong Kong girl...
Girl #2: Nope, I'm Chinese.
Girl #1: They all look the same.
Girl #2: ... You?
Girl #1: I'm Chinese.

-- NCB Ladies' Bathroom, overheard by Andrea