"Oh yeah... go up my y-axis!"

Girl: I would sleep with my graphs! They are SO sexy!
Guy: Umm....
Girl: C'mon. You know you would go there.

-- Geography Lab, overheard by Victoria

And the Professor of the Year award goes to...

Student: This homework question is too hard.
Prof: But I just showed you how to do it, and it's just like one we did in class a couple of days ago!
Student: I know, but it's too hard. If I see it on the test I won't get it.
Prof: Excuse me, but did you come to university to be challenged mentally or to be mentally challenged?

-- Math class at King's, overheard by TNP

Or up Weird Creek without a paddle...

Girl: So I had this one socially inept guy talking to me, and the stalk-y guy waiting upstairs... It's like I was caught between a rock and a weird place.

-- The Wave, overheard by Erika

"But even less so if you were reading Western News!"

Guy: Girls find intelligence attractive. If I was reading this paper with, like, the end of a pair of glasses in my mouth, you'd be so turned on.
Girl: No way, you're reading the Gazette!

-- Somerville House, overheard by Vida

Snarky professors warm our black little hearts.

Student: So wait, why is it zero? (sudden epiphany) Oh, I get it! It's 'cause cos 0 equals 1!
Prof: Is that new for you? ... I hope not. (turns back to the black board and keeps teaching)

-- Calc 050 class, overheard by Scar Fist

Mmm ... unnecessary consumerism.

Girl: I have this mug in every colour, like every colour it's ever come in, and it's the best thing ever.

-- Starbucks, overheard by Nikki

Just take the bus like the rest of the lazy.

Girl walking, talking on her cell: Oh my god, I have to walk up that really big hill right now ... I just really don't want to.

-- overheard by Hayley

When your S.O. cheats on you with Jesus...

Girl #1: Wow! Hi! How are you?
Girl #2: Doing well, busy. What about you? What's new? How's your boyfriend?
Girl #1: Celibate.

--Party, Overheard by Jenn

Pssh, every man needs to be 5-10% asshole.

Girl #1: He's so nice!
Girl #2: Yeah, he has like no asshole in him!

-- Bus, overheard by Erin

Can't it just be cold?

Last week, on that really snowy day...

Girl: (getting on the bus) It's, like, almost Alaska! No, it IS Alaska!

-- 33 Proudfoot, overheard by Ian

But they're perfect with fava beans and a nice glass of Chianti!

Dude (talking to himself): Where'd she go?
Cafeteria Worker Guy: I ate her!
Dude: Stop eating people.

-- Med-Syd tunnel, overheard by the Blender Collective

Of course! The second G in "uggs" stands for gangrene.

Ugg girl: Well, the suede was wet, so the sock underneath was wet. I was cold! I thought my toes were going to go gangrenous or something.

-- Grad Club, overheard by Rachel

Nothing says "burn!" like history.

Guy #1: I can do this, because I'm the King.
Guy #2: That means you're bound by the Magna Carta, bitch!

-- Castlegrove

Phew! Good thing they didn't rent it to see her act!

Girl #1: (Looking at DVDs) Oh my God, let's get House of Wax!
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah! It's, like, my dream to see Paris Hilton die!

-- Blockbuster, Richmond & Oxford, overheard by Jess

And here we thought Western girls were a dime a dozen...

Girl: Do you really think he'd let you just have sex with a bunch of girls in his basement?
Guy: Hells, yes! He'd be high-fiving me on his way up the stairs!
Girl: And what makes you think that he wouldn't try to take one (or more) of your ladies with him?
Guy: He'd be welcome to. It's like "Need a penny? Take a penny."

-- UCC

Alternatively, they could hold a ballot... Or how about a plebiscite?

Guy in meeting: Okay, so we've decided to hold a referendum on the matter.
Girl: Hey, why don't we just have a vote, instead?

-- Law School, overheard by Joe

Bring on the vows!

Girl #1: (to Girl #2) Being married to me wouldn't be that bad. I can cook pretty well and I have a long tongue.

-- Oxford St.

Step 1: Remove head from ass. Step 2: Open eyes. Repeat as necessary.

Girl #1: Oh..... Is this a Great Lake, too? (points to Lake Winnipeg)
Girl #2: Umm... No. These are the Great Lakes. Do you know where Hudson's Bay is?
Girl #1: Umm...... (pause)
Girl #2: Okay. I'll give you a hint. It's a really big bay.
Girl #1: Is this it? (points to Atlantic ocean)
Girl #2: No... that's the Atlantic Ocean.
Girl #1: Oh. Is this it? (points to the Gulf of St. Lawrence)
Girl #2: No. It's here. (points)
Girl #1: Okay, then what's this?
Girl #2: That's South America.
Girl #1: Oh, that's where Mexico is, right?
Girl #2: Umm... no. This is Mexico. (points)
Girl #1: Oh. Then what's that over there?
Girl #2: That would be Europe.
Girl #1: You're so smart. How did you get so smart? I never learned this stuff.

-- The Spoke, overheard by Victoria

Spoken like someone about to enlist for a tour of duty in the Salvation Army.

Girl #1: I'm thinking of volunteering at the Children's Aid Society next semester.
Girl #2: Oh, that's nice. More people should help kids with AIDS.

-- Nat Sci bus stop, overheard by Mary

Yeesh, whatever happened to taking a nice nap?

Girl #1: I feel so gross... I totally need to go to the gym and work out...
Girl #2: Yeah... I totally need to kill a hobo and cook him.

-- Weldon, overheard by Sarah

Quick, call Ponce de Leon.

Guy: Hey how old are you?
Girl: 21, almost 22! What about you?
Guy: I'm 22, so you were born in ' 84?
Girl: Yep, soon to be ' 85!

-- UCC, overheard by Reza

An afternoon beer is an alcoholic's beer!

Girl #1: A clean bus is a happy bus.
Girl #2: Uh... what?
Girl #1: A clean bus is a happy bus!
Girl #2: Yeah. OK.
Girl #1: It's a saying.
Girl #2: I've never heard it.
[pause]
Girl #1: A drunk Sara is a happy Sara?
Girl #2: Oh! Right.

-- 13 Wellington (at 3 p.m.), overheard by Jonathan

No way! Look what it did to Gary Busey!

Girl #1: Being a vampire must be so cool. I would love to be one for a day!
Girl #2: Can we not hang out that day?

-- North Campus Building, overheard by Lee

Oh man! Then how are you supposed to get an alphabetical listing of subject matter?!

Indignant Guy: This dictionary doesn't have an index!

-- Taylor Library, overheard by Mark

"If not, I'll just go pet my Wookie."

Girl: Do you think you could use the Force during sex?

-- Richmond St.

Say that was eight years ago. Please, please say that was eight years ago.

Sorority Girl #1: Remember that guy we saw? You used to date him.
Sorority Girl #2: Yeah, but he was so hot in Grade 5!

-- UCC, overheard by Adam

Aw, don't worry. Bald is the new...uh... not-bald.

Friend: Dude, we've gotta look into "Hair Club for Men" for you...
20-year-old guy: Oh yeah? Well... (quietly) fuck off.

-- Thames Hall

"So the going back in time part is totally out, then? Oh man... I'd already put a deposit on the flux capacitor!"

Girl #1: You know where we should go? We should go to Cuba!
Girl #2: No. There is no way we're going to Cuba.
Girl #1: What's so bad about Cuba?
Girl #2: Well, they have fighting... and, like, missiles, and stuff.

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by Holly

The Omega Uterus

Girl #1: I want to get my tubes tied.
Girl #2: I'd never do that.
Girl #1: What? You always say that you're never going to have children!
Girl #2: Yeah, but if ever did have my tubes tied and then I ended up in a post-apocalyptic situation where it would be up to me to repopulate the Earth with humans, that would really be embarrassing.
Girl #1: And then the fallout mutants would win over the normals?
Girl #2: Exactly.

-- UCC

And yet provoking Canada geese loses none of its allure...

Blonde #1: So I got my flu shot today. Too bad it doesn't protect against the avian flu!
Blonde #2: What's that?
Blonde #1: It's, like, a new disease. If a bird bites you, you can get really sick.

-- UC, overheard by Melissa

It's the c.v. of THE FUTURE!

Girl #1: So I want to apply to a bunch of different places. I'm thinking Chapters, Future Shop...
Girl #2: Future Shop? You should try and make your cover letter all ... scientific.

-- 6 Richmond, overheard by Melissa

Bitch, go make me a stereotype.

Girls: We're Brescia ... we don't play football ... we sew things!

-- Elgin vs. Brescia flag football game, overheard by Clayton

Whoa ... better pull out of this class...

Guy: Um. It says here that they used "coitus interruptus" ... now what is that?
Prof: Uhh ... it means to ...
Girl #1 (to Girl #2): I thought everybody knew what "coitus interruptus" was...
Girl #2: Yeah, I wish they did!

-- French history, overheard by Young Jeezy

Would you like hockey pads with that?

Drunk Guy #1: Do you still go to Western?
Drunk Guy #2: (proudly) Nope, I got a degree. In History.
Drunk Guy #1: So, where do you work?
Drunk Guy #2: SportChek.

-- Molly Bloom's, overheard by Melissa

"It's so tasteless and bland!"

Girl #1: Eww, what's on your pickle?!
Girl# 2: Uh, lettuce?

-- UCC, overheard by May and Sarah

Better than a slap, but more disgusting...

Girl #1: Hey, I think you just spit cookie in my mouth.
Girl #2: ... You deserve it.

-- Classical Studies, overheard by Mike K.

We're pretty sure Webster beat her to it. And Oxford. And maybe even Random House.

Girl: When I see that, I always think "pandemonium." I mean, what is that? I, like, made up a new word!

-- Earthsci 022 Class, overheard by Trigger

Take that, Campus Verbatim!

Reader Katie sent us this awesome picture today (click to enlarge):



-- Taylor Library, overheard by Sara

We've said it before and we'll say it again: Sans Serif is sans class.

Girl: Check this out - all my grade 12 physics notes from home!
Guy: Oh my God, you write in Arial Narrow!

-- Med-Syd, overheard by The Blender Collective

Amazing. With one move, he prevented himself from scoring either on or off the ice...

Timekeeper girl: What number are you?
Player: I don't have a number, but you're number one in my heart.
Timekeeper girl: What?
Player: You liked that, didn't you?
Timekeeper girl: It was a little cheesy.
Player: How about this - if I score a goal, I get to take you out for drinks.
Timekeeper girl: Um, you'll have to ask my boyfriend. He's the ref.

-- Thompson Arena, overheard by Grego

The timekeeper actually was going out with the ref - apparently the player mentioned got absolutely crushed during the game.

NEWS POST: Register for our message board, damn you!

It has not escaped our attention that our comments are becoming a forum for such amusing things as grudge matches between faculties and cruel digs at other students. In order to facilitate this even more, we've created a message board. It's all yours for the dominating.

"No, no, these are bicycle tires."

A lady had just finished purchasing a new set of tires and wanted to have them installed.

Lady: How long will it take?
Employee: It's really busy today, about four hours.
Lady: Will I have to leave my car?

-- Costco, overheard by Kirk the Barber

How Not to Flirt: An Object Lesson

Blonde: So, have you seen The 40-Year-Old Virgin? It's pretty funny.
Asian guy: (contemplates) I saw the movie posters and thought, I am halfway there.
Blonde: Ha ... ha ... (takes large bite of her sandwich and busies herself with adjusting her watch).

-- The Wave, overheard by LTower

Thinking outside the box...

A group of students are watching the Engineering pumpkin drop.

Girl #1: What is the charity they're raising money for?
Girl #2: I think it's for starving kids in Ethiopia.
Guy: Why don't we just send them the pumpkin, it'd feed their country for two years.
Girl #2: Yes, we should just drop a crate of small pumpkins instead, they can enjoy pumpkin pie.
Girl #3: What? We are dropping a crate of small Ethiopians?
Guy: Well ... that WOULD solve world hunger.

-- Music building, overheard by Alix and Grace

Overheard at Laurier: Stupidity takes the field

Laurier Idiot #1: Hey, do you know what the "O" in UWO stands for?
Laurier Idiot #2: Umm… Ontario.
Laurier Idiot #1: Oh yeah, of course, it’s in Ontario!

-- Yates Cup, overheard by Noah

"All of our lines are currently busy ... keep holding on ... no pun intended."

Two music nerds are waiting by a window to watch the engineer pumpkin dropping.

Music nerd #1: Man, waiting for this pumpkin to drop is like waiting for a cadential 6/4.
Music nerd #2: No, waiting for this pumpkin to drop is more like a really horny pervert continuing to get the busy signal while calling a phone sex line.

-- Music building, overheard by Alix

I thought she was a poster girl with no poster.

Girl #1: I want to go to an Ani DiFranco concert.
Girl #2: She's amazing, I love her!
Random guy a row in front: (turning around in rage) Ani DiFranco is a pocket mulching vegan whore!

-- UC, overheard by H

It's not the size of the wave ... oh wait, yes it is.

Ugg Boot Girl #1: [Steve] can go eat a bag of dicks.
Ugg Boot Girl #2: Whoa, what's with the attitude?
U.B.G. #1: Didn't you know that he stuffed his sock while he was streaking at the homecoming game?
U.B.G. #2: Oh my God, are you serious? That's hilarious because some girl he tried to sleep with told me he had the smallest penis ever.
U.B.G. #1: Haha.
U.B.G. #2: Yeah, she also said he was the quickest draw in the west .... haha ... get it?
U.B.G. #1: Got it ... giddy up, loser!

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by Amanda

Good thing the lecture wasn't on the brain. The irony could have caused the universe to implode.

Dumb kid in class: Uhh... I have a question. Why, in all the past civilizations, has the heart been referred to as the "heart?"
Tactful professor: I'm sorry, I don't understand your question.
Dumb kid in class: Oh, I mean, our heart, like, why did the Romans refer to it as the "heart," and the Greeks refer to it as "heart," and even the Arabs refer to it as "heart?"
Tactful professor: Oh, well, actually, I refer to it as "heart" in this class because we all speak English. But the Greeks referred to it as "kardia," and the Romans referred to it as "pectus." I say "heart" for the sake of simplicity.
Dumb kid in class: Really? Oh, okay.

-- History of Medicine 220, overheard by Faran

"Aw, you're so cute..." "Ow! OW! For the love of God, STOP!"

Girl #1: Oh my god, I want to pet that man's seeing eye dog.
Girl #2: You can't pet people's seeing eye dogs, that's rude.
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess you're right. It would be like petting someone's eyes.

-- Nat Sci, overheard by Christine, Amy and Leon

Next on Mythbusters: Why it really doesn't take effort to succeed in university.

Guy #1: I think I did well on that exam, at least like an 85. It was seriously so easy.
Guy #2: Dude, that's awesome.
Guy #1: I highlighted the notes I got from some girl last night while watching the game, and I was going to go over them this morning but there was a sweet Mythbusters on. So really I only studied like five minutes on the bus.

-- overheard by T

"She also has a face ... and hands ... and a mouth."

Girl #1: What does she look like?
Girl #2: She's half-black, half-white.
Girl #1: Oh my God! I think I know her!

-- 6 Richmond, overheard by Sarah

As product testimonials go, we feel the company could do better.

Punked-out kid: (yelling) I shave my balls with a Remington!

-- Talbot Street, overheard by Leo

Because he usually hands her over in person.

Guy on cell: Hey buddy, you're going to be picking up my sister in a minute! Yeah, that's not something I say often.

-- 21 Huron Heights, overheard by Ian

Actually, the correct term is "swass".

Girl #1 (examining her rear end in mirror): Ewww ... I've got butt sweat!
Girl #2: ...
Girl #1: Look at it!
Girl #2: um ...

-- UCC gym locker room, overheard by Rachel

Sadly, right after this conversation, girl #1 fell out of the bus, adding to her collection of scars.

Girl #1: I'm wearing matching socks today, see?
Girl #2: Wow, really? (turning to Girl #3) She never wears matching socks. She always wears mismatching socks because when she wears matching ones, she gets hurt.
Girl #3: Really?
Girl #2: Yeah! See that scar on her face? She skiied into a tree because she was wearing matching socks that day!
Girl #1: Yeah, it didn't have anything to do with my skiing abilities!

-- King's bus, overheard by Christine

Too bad she can't taste the sarcasm.

Girl (eating Girl Guide cookie): Wow, this is great. Is this mint?
Guy: No, it's salmon!
Girl: Well, it sure tastes like mint to me ...

-- NCB, overheard by Mary

Take that, family values programming!

Girl #1: Is it true they cancelled Arrested Development?
Girl #2: Yeah, but they also cancelled 7th Heaven, so there's some good with the bad.

-- overheard by Michelle

"Extreme" sushi-eating claims its first victim...

Girl #1: Hey, are you feeling any better?
Girl #2: Ugh, no. I think it must have been the wasabi I had today...
Girl #1: Aw, are you allergic?
Girl #2: No... but it did go up my nose.

-- Ivey

For The National, I'm a shallow student.

Girl: Would you marry Rex Murphy if he asked you to?
Guy #1: He probably has a lot of money...
Guy #2: Yeah, but look at how he chooses to spend it. He could get facial reconstruction surgery, but he chooses not to.

-- Law Library

Hey, at least he's realized it beforehand.

Guy #1: I don't have a chance with her.
Guy #2: Why not?
Guy #1: She's too good of a person...

-- overheard by Dave

Ah, the mot juste.

Girl #1: My boyfriend is like, entering his third year at Western.
Girl #2: What's he taking?
Girl #1: Teacher's college!
Guy sitting in front of them: Idiots.

-- overheard by Mark

"Three conversions for a bolt. No? Really? Okay, four conversions, but NO MORE!"

Professor: The Silk Road was established in around 140 B.C. What do you think the Chinese traded silk for, from the Europeans?
Girl: Christianity?

-- History 028 lecture, overheard by Rachel

Looks like the only A she's getting is for effort.

First-year Bio student: TA, I have a question for you.
TA: What is it?
Student: Do you have a girlfriend?
TA: . . .Uhhh, no.
Student: Do you want one?
TA: Maybe when you've graduated this course. . .

-- North Campus building, overheard by Jonathan (the TA)

UPDATE: Apparently she retracted the offer upon learning that she'd received a grade of 93% on her first lab. He must not have marked her hard enough...

All we can hope is that he generally goes home alone. And that he has rubber sheets.

Guy #1: Man, you were so wasted last night!
Guy #2: Yeah, I mean, I was so drunk I pissed myself.
Guy #1: You pissed yourself? Dude that's never happened to me before.
Guy #2: You mean you've never gotten so drunk you pissed yourself? I do it all the time.

-- Jack's, overheard by Rachel

She wouldn't have believed you anyway.

Valley Girl #1: ...and she was like "I'm gonna sit with you so now I totally have someone to talk to!", and I was like "uh, I don't think so, I'm doing my math."
Valley Girl #2: You said that?
Valley Girl #1: Well no, but I totally thought it.

-- 10 Wonderland, overheard by Jonathan

"In other words, you bore the pants on me."

Girl #1: Where did you go last night?
Girl #2: I went home with some random guy. I can't believe you left me alone!
Girl #1: Was it my fault that you went home with some random guy?
Girl #2: Your absence always leads me to promiscuity and intoxication.

-- Starbucks, overheard by Brian

She's right - that's the only way to see the heart and sole of the matter.

Girl: They're real people; you just have to look at the situation through their shoes, you know?

-- Tutorial at Somerville House, overheard by Sarah

Ten years, eh? Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

Girl #1: Not as bad as hearing your mother and ex-boyfriend having sex in the room next to you, as well as seeing them both naked in the kitchen when I went down for a midnight snack.
Girl #2: Ewww, last night I went to see my ex-boyfriend and walked in on his mom taking a bath in the bathroom, and I thought to myself, that's what I am going to look like in ten years.

-- Starbucks, overheard by Kyle and Denise

Hmmmm... No schadenfreude here... Is there a German word for "heartless annoyance with other people's pain"?

Girl #1: My grandmother lives in the room next to me and is always crying and in, like, pain, because she is dying and it makes me want to shoot myself in my head with a 12-gauge.
Girl #2: I completely understand.

-- Starbucks, overheard by Kyle and Denise

It goes really well with asparry-gus and broke-o-li.

Two girls are walking through the produce aisle.

Girl #1: Oh god, I haven't had a vegetable in FOREVER ... let's get some.
Girl #2: OK, but I don't even recognize the names of some of these ... what the hell is a zu-cheenie?

--Masonville Loblaws, overheard by Katie

Environmentalism is for poor people.

Girl #1: Hey look over there, it's a Toyota Prius!
Girl #2: What's that?
Girl #1: It's one of those hybrid cars. Y'know, Cameron Diaz has one?
Girl #2: Oh yeah. I think Leonardo DiCaprio has one too.
Girl #1: Yeah, hybrid cars are really trendy right now. My parents wanted to buy me one, but there isn't really anything special about them, y'know? I mean, it's just like a regular car, the only difference is that it's better for the environment, but I don't really care about that shit.

-- Field trip bus, overheard by Chandheeb

"I might just make puppy dog eyes at the rent-a-cops until they let me in."

Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm just on the 13, on my way up to Masonville. Although, since I'm no longer allowed on any Masonville property, I'm not sure what I'm going to do once I get there.

-- 13 Wellington, overheard by Matt

Theology: it's not just for smart people anymore!

Girl #1: Forget about Nick and Jessica, I'm still upset about Brad and Jen breaking up. That's like the end of my world.
Girl #2: The end of my world was when Jesus died. Wait, did Jesus die?
Girl #1: (stares blankly) What? He was crucified...?
Girl #2: Oh. I thought that might have been God. Are "God" and "Jesus" the same thing?

-- Wellington 13, overheard by Tabitha

And then nature will take its course!

Girl #1: Sometimes babies are born and because they didn't develop right the doctors don't know if they are boys or girls, but they can fix them.
Girl #2: You know, I think they should always make them female, I mean ... you'd just have to cut everything off, right?

-- Med-Syd, overheard by Alex

"On second thought, why do I need the bread and vegetables at all?"

Guy in sandwich line: I'll have one with meat and one with turkey.

-- Saugeen cafeteria, overheard by Mike

The first rule of Zoobucks is that you don't talk about Zoobucks.

Librarian: (giving library tour) ...oh, I was wondering. Have you seen how it says "ZOOBUCKS" all over the walls outside? Do any of you know what that means?
Random Guy Frosh: Uh, what?
Librarian: I am just curious what it is...
Random Girl Frosh: (confused) ...Zoo...bucks?

-- Weldon, overheard by Paige

The real question is what they're smoking in the Arts building to make it smell like that ... oh, right.

Girl: Haven't you always noticed that every building on campus has its own smell? For instance, the UCC always smells like ASS!

-- South Valley Building, overheard by Julie

Summer = hot, winter = fatass.

Girl: Ow, my legs are getting tired.
Guy: I thought you worked out ... ?
Girl: I do ... just not since August ...

-- Middlesex stairs, overheard by Meg

The funny part is, he died of an overdose three days ago and just hasn't noticed yet.

Guy: I can't imagine living without heroin.

-- Outside Weldon library

Collect 'em all!

Girl: She's so happy to have made a friend of a different culture. She says she wants another ethnic friend now!

-- Elgin Parking Lot, overheard by Rachel

She wants a fully functional hard drive now!

Girl #1: Those nerds would totally bone you. But I'm sure you can do better.
Girl #2: Well, I do need a good, hard fragging...

-- Richmond Street

Boggle! Candyland! Oh God, Monopoly!

Guy #1: So you need to have a safe word. That way if the person really wants to stop, you'll know.
Guy #2: Safe word, eh? What's yours?
Guy #1: Parcheesi.
Guy #2: Parcheesi!?
Guy #1: Yeah, games are good.

-- The Alibi