Overheard in Toronto: bitchiness is better in the big smoke

Girl #1: Hey, you know who lives around here?
Girl #2: Dickface?
Girl #1: Yeah! Let's go trash his apartment again. Maybe I can find another antique ashtray to break.

-- St. George subway station

Timmins sounds too much like mittens to be real. This explains a lot. We always knew Shania didn't come from any place on earth.

Girl #1: Is Penetanguishene like, a place in Canada?
Girl #2: I don't know, I guess it COULD be.
Girl #1: Well, this girl I know was telling me a story about Penetanguishene and I think she like, totally made it up. It doesn't sound like a real place.
Girl #2: Yeah, it totally IS made up. Penetanguishene, how fake, hahaha.

-- 13 Wellington, overheard by Briana

Was it math class you've been skipping? 'Cause it sounds to us like you're 75% screwed.

Girl #1: The exam is 75% lecture and 25% from the book. I'm sure we'll be fine.
Girl #2: How many questions are on it?
Girl #1: I don't know. I haven't gone to the lectures.

-- 2 Dundas

Ladies and gentlemen, the leaders of tomorrow:

Girl on cell: Western is so bad like that... like most of my friends are Jewish... not that I have a problem with that at all... and other people are open to it and all...

-- Third floor at Weldon, overheard by Robyn

Hear that? That's the sound of Puccini rolling over in his grave.

Girl: It was good, but there wasn't enough dialogue. There was too much singing.

-- Silvercity, leaving the theatre after RENT, overheard by Ashley

You see, sweetie, when a man and a woman love each other very much...

Girl #1: No matter how much I work out I keep gaining weight!
Girl #2: Well, muscle is heavier than fat...
Girl #1: But look at my stomach! It's bigger than last week and I swear it keeps growing.
Girl #2: Maybe it's what you're eating?
Girl #1: Yeah, like I've been having these cravings lately, but that shouldn't matter because I puke it all up every morning... I'm always feeling sick then... Geez...

-- Women's changeroom at the Athletic Club, overheard by NJP

Now, now. You're both whores.

Guy: Your leg was up for easy access!
Girl: No it wasn't! Besides, you're the one who moved your pelvic area closer!
Guy: Only 'cause you pulled me ... and I still felt your leg lift!
Girl: No! Shut up ... you moved your pelvis...
Guy: EASY ACCESS!

-- Taylor Library, overheard by Viki

Because "protection from the snow" shouldn't be an essential quality in a boot. (Hey, we like fanning the flames of the Ugg arguments.)

Ugg Girl: Ew, guys, the snow! It's on my boots!

-- outside Med-Syd, overheard by Mila

Hope = Paper Bag

Girl: You know, some girls might find your MSN name offensive. "Beauty is just a light switch away?"
Guy: C'mon, I'm just trying to give some hope to the ugly chicks.

-- SSC, overheard by Heather

The New Dear Abby

Girl: So I said... "If you're wearing spandex and rolling around on
the floor with some guy, don't come crying to me!"

-- 13 Wellington, overheard by Duncan

Sorry, guys. It is the size of your model.

Guy: So how's your finance studying going? Do you have your model built yet?
Girl: Well, partly... I want to have everything on the same spreadsheet, so it's really taking me a long time. This model is going to end up being huge.
Guy: Well, you know what they say - it's not the size of your model, it's the motion of your WACC.

-- Ivey

What?! Don't you pay attention to stereotypes? Biology is the least social of the sciences...

Guy: I don't understand why I have classes in Social Sci if I'm not in science...
Girl: Obviously there are also chemistry and biology classes in the building.

-- Outside of the Social Sciences building, overheard by Alan

"Shut UP! Now I TOTALLY wish I had actually come to class!"

TA: Hallucinogenics have been used for millennia. For example, Aztecs believed magic mushrooms allowed them to communicate with the spirit world.
Interjecting Girl: NO!
TA: Yes.

-- Psych 020 Review Session, overheard by Galaga

Ah. The monosyllabic nature of "arts" makes sense at last.

First-Year Girl #1: Remember Adam from high school? I talked to him last night for the first time in forever.
First-Year Girl #2: Oh yeah? Where does he go?
FYG #1: Queen’s.
FYG #2: What program is he in?
FYG #1: Ummm ... What’s that big word?
FYG #2: What, like, "science"?
FYG #1: (giggles) I know, SCIENCE! Don’t be stupid. No, it’s the one where you, like, build stuff?
FYG #2: Engineering?
FYG #1: Yeah, that’s totally it!

-- Alumni Hall, overheard by Tova

Overheard on the Road (Shut up, we like it): University of Guelph

Girl #1: His profile said one of his favourite books is the Kama Sutra.
Girl #2: Oh, isn't that Hitler's book?

-- overheard by Kat

Antiquated Slang for "Ass" for $400

Girl #1: You get skin flakes in your bed? Oh man ... I didn't know that!
Girl #2: Yeah ... you do.
Girl #1: Oh, I had a bug in there though ... it gave me 7 bites up my side, and 1 on my rump!

-- Brescia Student Council Office, overheard by Meg

Tripod thinks you're gross, too.

Girl #1: Do anything nice lately?
Girl #2: I dunno ... I saw a 3-legged cat. Oh, it was gross looking. Just hobbling all over the place, dragging its ass.

-- Brescia Student Council Office, overheard by Meg

If by "turnip chopper" he means "guy that drives past me every morning."

Bus driver (to a man in another car): I am the designated turnip chopper!

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by Rachel

Soon, son, the magical time will come for you, too. And you will be a man.

Guy #1: Hey do you know how to do this?
Guy #2: No.
Guy #3: Yeah, you know when you get your period?
Guy #1: Awww ... I don't get those.

-- Physics Study Session, overheard by Frederick Hornball

Please don't let her vote.

From a Western student on exchange:

A girl explains how Canadians living in another country vote in the upcoming election.

Western Girl: Okay, but what about if we're back in Canada during the election? Do we still need to fill everything out so we can vote from here?

-- overheard internationally

Sounds like somebody spent the night in the back of a Volkswagen...

Girl on cell: Man, my ass is so sore! You will never get tail that good again!

-- Near Natural Science, overheard by Beki

That game is okay, but the one we play after is so much better. What's it called again? Oh yeah - "Criminal Negligence Conviction."

Friend from out of town: What's there to do around here?!
Student: Wanna play "Drunk Driver"? (Note: this is a drinking game)
Friend: Man, I would love to, but I left my car at home.

-- Overheard by Matt

As opposed to...?

Student on cell: So what time do you think you will be getting here at?
(Guy he's talking to: Nine.)
Student on cell: Nine... O'Clock?!?

-- Overheard by Matt

The worst day since September, at least.

Girl on cell: Oh, my God, you will never guess what happened in class today! I broke a nail for the first time since like, September... I was sooooo upset! I spent, like, the entire class trying to fix it, but it didn't work. I am having the worst day ever.

-- Wellington 13, overheard by Amanda

"PS: No, I will not go home with you."

Girl: (To guy who has just brought her a beer) I really appreciate that you got me a beer without asking what I wanted. And you know, I get that you're a student, and funds are short. But you know if you want to go the domestic route, Blue is the same price, but a lot better. [pause] Actually, do you want this back? Really, I don't think I can drink it. But thanks for the thought anyway.

-- Molly's, overheard by Carolyn

Better cast off your remaining self-worth and get a new rack.

Guy: Man, I need to find myself a trophy wife before I leave here.
Girl: What's a trophy wife?
Guy: A really hot wife.
Girl: Cool, I want to be one...

-- Engineering cafeteria, overheard by Mike

Self-awareness is overrated.

Blonde #1: I can't believe that girl sits at that table day after day playing cards all by herself!
Blonde #2: I agree, she should do something better with her time.
Blonde #1: ... Hey! Do you want to get high and drunk tonight?

-- UCC

Pssh, you don't need basic math to work at McDonald's. Oh, wait...

Guy: Our psych exam is from 7 to 10.
Arts Girl: It's four hours long?!
Guy: ...from 7 until 10.
Arts Girl: Oh good! So only 2 hours.

-- Med-Syd, overheard by the Blender Collective

"Unlike my penis!"

An Ugg girl and a guy approach the middle of the bus with the raised seats just before the accordion fold of the extended bus.

Ugg Girl: I want to sit up high! I've never been on a high bus like this one before.
Guy: You don't want to sit at the twist!
Ugg Girl: Oh my god! It's twisting! I've never seen a bus twist before! And sitting up high! This is sooooo fun! (giggles like a little girl)
Guy: Yeah, these seats make me feel big!

-- 10 Wonderland, overheard by Strongbad

What does chicken mean? WHAT?!

Guy #1: So I'm going out with that girl tomorrow night and she suggested a really expensive restaurant. I'm not sure if she's worth it yet.
Guy #2: Well, if you spend a lot of money on her she has to have sex with you. Those are the rules.
Guy #1: No way, man. I don't want to be that guy from the date rape commercials.
Guy #2: It's not like that. The expensive restaurant date has its own conventions. If she orders a side salad and water she just wants to be friends. But if she orders the $40 steak she's just acquiring the taste for more meat.

-- overheard by Dan

No, they just put out the sign to keep out the rowdies.

A sign outside The Wave reads "The Wave is closed for a private function."

Stupid guy trying to go to The Wave: Uh, The Wave isn't closed for a private function, is it?

-- UCC, overheard by Alex

"You're in!"

White Girl: I want to join one of the Chinese clubs on campus. You know, just because I can.
Asian Guy: How are your chopstick skills?
White Girl: Excellent!

-- The Wave

More Overheard on the Road: University of Victoria

Guy #1: Wow, there are so many hot chicks here. I can't hit it up, because I have a girlfriend.
Guy #2: Well, what are you going to do then?
Guy #1: ... I know! I'm going to drink until my penis doesn't work anymore!

-- UVic pubcrawl, overheard by JeffDaMan

Hey, kind of like the Gazette.

A girl takes a coupon from a Bay employee.

Guy: What are you doing? You're not going to use that!
Girl: $25 off my next $100 purchase at the Bay? No, probably not. I
just wanted to see what it was.
Guy (getting louder): But what a waste! I never take those!
Girl: Well, what am I supposed to do? I'm not going to give it back at
this point...
Guy: IT'S JUST SENSELESS BUTCHERING OF TREES!!!

- Masonville Mall, overheard by Jenn

"Alternatively, you could probably just kick my ass."

Guy: Oh man, I love pumpkin pie. If you ever get in a fight with me that
you don't think that you can win, just whip out a pumpkin pie. It'll
distract me for about four hours ... or long enough for you to get away,
anyway.

-- overheard by Jenn

No, it's because Michelin is racist.

Girl #1: Why do you think the Michelin man is fat?
Girl #2: Um .. I don't know. Isn't he made of tires?
Girl #1: But why are they white? I guess they're snow tires.
Girl #2: Oh, right ... that would make sense.

-- Subway, overheard by Ash

Did he have a helmet?

Girl: I saw a guy riding a bike... he looked happy!
Prof: Well, idiots often do...

-- Psych stats lecture, overheard by Val

And a ten-year-old song...

Girl #1: (Watching Victoria's Secret fashion show) Hey, is that Seal?
Girl #2: No idea.
Girl #1: Oh, see? It is Seal... Look, see how he's got his mangled face?

-- Richmond St.

When you're this wise, they call you Sensei.

Guy #1: ...I've opened my book, that's a start. "The longest journey begins with a single step."
Guy #2: That sounds familiar... Who said that again?
Guy #1: Splinter from Ninja Turtles.

-- Law Library, overheard by Drew

Paging Gloria Steinem...

Girl: (In the middle of a debate about whether to develop a money-losing drug that is likely to alleviate suffering in the 3rd world) So as a drug company, what do you propose to do instead? Throw that money away on, what, a drug like Viagra? To alleviate the suffering of women?

-- Ivey

Buying the Cow versus Getting Free Milk - an often-overlooked elective in Western's acclaimed MRS program

Girl #1: Guys just, like, don't appreciate me at all... I can't keep one for like, more than 2 days!
Girl #2: Maybe it's 'cause you're too slutty. I told you to cut back or you'll never get married.
Girl #1 stares blankly.
Girl #2: Nobody wants to buy popsicles if you're giving away the whole ice cream truck.
Girl #1: ...You're so retarded.
Girl #2: At least I'm getting married! Burnnnnn...

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by Steph

"I spend hours a day at the gym - the line has to be drawn somewhere!"

Girl #1: (4th floor, on the elevator going up) Oh shit! We forgot to press the 3rd floor button! Should we just walk down one floor?
Girl #2: No!

-- Weldon Library

I'm going to start getting root canals like, every week!

Girl on cell at 7:00 pm: Woah, I feel like I'm floating, like the bus is flying above the clouds. (Hits herself on cheek) Hey man, I can't feel my face right now...

-- 6 Richmond bus, overheard by Erin

It's a great holiday gift. And best of all, it's free!

Girl on cell: I'm totally going to drop my pants and give him a full frontal view!

-- 10 Wonderland bus, overheard by Lina

She was referring to the total lack of vitamin C.

Girl #1: Here, have some of these. (Hands over bag)
Girl #2: (Reading package) Hang on, these are really bad for you!
Girl #3: They're cheddar and bacon potato skins, and you had to read the nutrional information to figure that out?!

-- UCC

"Stop sounding like my mom!"

Girl #1: Hey, can I use your computer? My Internet is quitting on me.
Girl #2: Yeah, go ahead. (Time passes)
Girl #1: Hey, why is this page taking so long to load? I think your comp is freezing up...
Girl #2: Why must you destroy everything you touch?!

-- Chambers

You couldn't, but Dennis Hopper could.

Student: Can you attach a bomb to a blog?

-- Comp Sci, overheard by canadiancornpop

Hey, she got the order right. That's more than you should expect from Tim's.

A guy hands a Tim Horton's lady a mug.

Guy: Two double doubles please.
Lady looks at mug: One in here?
Guy: Yup.
Lady: And one in a cup?
Guy: Yup...

-- Tim Horton's, overheard by Chris

When even your mom isn't calling, it's time to panic about the state of your social life.

Girl: What's that on your hand??? 639-[rest of number] ... that sounds familiar ...
Guy: It should. It's YOUR number.
Girl: No it's not, my number is 636, not 639.
Guy: Your roommate gave me this number and you picked up your phone when I called it.
Girl: What? Are you sure?
Guy: Positive.
Girl: OH MY GOD! I've been telling everyone my number is 636 for so long! This explains so much...

-- overheard by Pat, in the kitchen, with the candlestick

Actually, no. We're switching to Owl Post.

Paris Hilton clone: Ummmmm, do you guys have any, like, stamps I could buy?

-- UCC post office, overheard by A to the K

Nose candy for nosebleeds...

Prof: Okay, I should warn you guys, if I laugh too hard I get nosebleeds.
(The class laughs.)
Prof: But I love going to the hospital to get nosebleeds fixed. They put cocaine up your nose! Did you know that!?

-- Thames Hall, overheard by Paige

Meaning he doesn't go to class. Meaning he is smart!

Guy #1: You're so smart! How did you get so smart?
Guy #2: I go to university!
Guy #1: So how are your marks?
Guy #2: Not good!

-- outside Huron, overheard by Alia

More Fun With Quirky Profs

Prof (lecturing): He was a poet, a dead, very dead, murdered poet...

-- History 20, overheard by the Blender Collective

And now it's on the Internet.

Giggling girl: I was so drunk. I went to bed with [Steve], but when I woke up, I was lying next to [Mark].

-- overheard by Mary

Walker, Texas Boner

Guy: There's a reason there's no Chuck Norris porno...
Girl: The reason is that all men would feel inadequate FOREVER after watching it.

-- Library, overheard by Bill

"I think it's the helmet."

Girl: I could never think of him in a sexual way. He looks like my retarded cousin.

-- UC Hill

Fat kids are harder to kidnap.

Guy: I came up with the perfect idea to keep your kids from getting abducted by pedophiles.
Girl: Um, okay.
Guy: Make sure that they get really fat ... and maybe a snaggletooth, too.

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by Alix

Ooh, I hope they're talking about Harry Potter.

Girl: When he's older I'll marry him.
Guy: So you're a cradle robber?
Girl: What he's gotta be 14 by now, he's almost legal!

-- overheard by Dan

Idiot, heal thyself.

Guy #1: Yeah, [Angie] is so stupid sometimes. She works 22 hours a day and then only sleeps 4 hours at night.
Guy #2: Um ... 4 hours a night?
Guy #1: Yeah, 22 hours of work, and 4 hours of sleep.
Guy #2: 4 hours?
Guy #1: Ooh right, I mean 2 hours. Y'all know my math skills aren't great.

-- 13 Wellington, overheard by Melissa