The two were recently combined into National "Shiver Your Timber" day.

Girl #1: What are you doing tomorrow night?
Girl #2: I'm going to a dinner for National China Day!
Girl #3: China gets a whole day?
Girl #1: Yeah, but so does masturbation and talking like a pirate.

-- Sarnia & Wonderland

Petty trickery: what separates us from the animals.

Guy #1: I'd still like to feed a giraffe from here. I think the point is, I'd like to feed a giraffe.
Guy #2: Just give him a sausage.
Guy #1: Ha, chew on this, you herbivore.
Guy #2: You could wrap it in a banana.

-- overlooking UCC atrium, overheard by Nancy

Unless the suitcase makes wisecracks, you've lost me.

Guy #1: I saw the start, where he's like driving the car.
Guy #2: Yeah, that part's funny.
Guy #1: I don't even remember most of it. He's like driving in the car, and there's a suitcase.

-- in line for Metric, overheard by Nancy

"Wait a minute! I could have a PhD in that!"

Guy: Tell them they should teach a class on how to do it one-handed.

-- in line for Metric concert, overheard by Nancy

Damn you, Friends! First David Schwimmer's undeserved fame, and now this!

Girl (looking at poster of Central Park, NY): 'Central Park'? Huh, I thought it was Central Perk.
Guy: That was from some movie or something, wasn't it?
Girl: I don't know, I just always thought it was called Central Perk.

-- overheard by Erin

But that would require energy!

Girl #1: I'm so tired since classes started!
Girl #2: Oh, I know! I got 4 hours of sleep last night, and I feel like jumping off a cliff!

--Concrete Beach, overheard by Mark

Do we detect a soupçon of sarcasm?

Guy #1: (looking at pile of cash put in to pay the collective bill) Hey, weird - we're all paying with 20s!
Guy #2: Yeah, I know. I was all out of 7s.

-- WonderSushi

Well, applying the cream would be fun; the itching and burning maybe less so...

Guy #1: Yeah, can you imagine athlete's cock?
Guy #2: Dude, that would be so awesome!

-- UC hill, overheard by Annick

Replace "now" with "18 years ago", and she's right on schedule.

Girl: I don't have class for a couple of hours. I'm gonna cut off my rat tail now.

-- St. James at Brescia, overheard by Cara

Fruit salad, anyone?

Girl #1: My cervix is an ornament.
Girl #2: Well, you might get artificially inseminated one day.
Girl #1: I am not popping a watermelon out of this cherry!

-- Brescia, overheard by Cara

As a roundabout way of distracting security, perhaps?

Girl #1: Hey, are you going to the homecoming game this Saturday?
Girl #2: Yup! I'm not paying the $20, though - I'm giving out condoms!

-- Thames Hall

I think he just got zinged.

Guy: Hey, there's a lot of head on this beer.
Girl: That's all the head you're going to see tonight!

-- Random kegger, overheard by Kristin

And manly!

Guy: Men like coolers. They're delicious!

-- Middlesex College, overheard by Shawn

Either he's really responsible, or she's really unattractive.

Guy: What are you doing? Don't do that!
Drunk girl: Dude, it's totally legal to be topless in Ontario now!!!

-- Sarnia Rd.

Aisle 5, next to the candy.

Guy #1: Hey man, I think you need to chug that beer.
Guy #2: Hey man, I think you need to eat a bag of dicks.

-- Random kegger

Damn you, Grade 3 math! Why must you elude me even now?!

Guy: I've started working out again. I can do 100 push-ups in an hour. That's like, fifteen a minute...

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by Laura

"But my mom bought them for me!"

Guy #1: I had those shoes before they were cool!
Guy #2: Yeah, but man ... they weren't fucking cool then, you moron!

-- House party, overheard by Dave

She wouldn't need a cell phone to get that deal.

A large party is out at dinner, and the cell phone of one of the girls at the table rings. As the conversation progresses, it becomes apparent that the caller is a girl at the other end of the table. After a minute or two of chatter, the caller comes over so that they can talk face to face.

Girl #1: (laughing) Sorry, I have unlimited local calling after 6, so I abuse my cell phone privileges a little bit.
Girl #2: (also laughing) Yeah, I have that deal too.
Girl #3: (unimpressed by the rudeness of the cell phone call) They should give you unlimited shut the fuck up.

-- Marienbad restaurant

Except for, you know, the paralysis.

Guy #1: So yeah, my dad had West Nile twice this summer.
Guy #2: And he didn't go to the hospital?
Guy #1: No, he said he was okay.

-- Nat Sci bus stop, overheard by Jenna

Pyjamas? Check. Housecoat? Check. Charm? Well...you be the judge.

A guy is walking through the halls wearing pyjama pants and a housecoat.

Girl: Hey, look! It's the next Hugh Hefner!
Guy: Hey, look! It's the next pregnant teen!

-- Sydenham Hall Residence, overheard by Bryan

Add a hooker, and you've got a David Lynch movie.

Guy: Oh, we had the best conversation about drugs and dead bodies with those Dutch people at the bar last night! It was great!

-- Law Library

Sugar and beef - together at last

Girl #1: Do you like cake?
Girl #2: Of course I do! I don't understand people who don't, really... But I don't understand people who don't like meat, either, so there you go.
Guy #1: You'd love my mom's cheesecake, then. She makes the best cheesecake ever.
Guy #2: Does it have meat in it?

-- Ivey

"Lick my giant pad!" just doesn't have the same ring.

Girl #1: I think having a penis would be really awkward ... and spontaneous erections ... embarrassing!
Girl #2: Yeah really, and who wants balls? It would be like having a giant pad between your thighs all day every day ... ew!

-- overheard by Laura

"Instead, we just watch The Merchants of Cool on an endless loop."

MIT kid: We don't read much in MIT.

-- Weldon Library, overheard by David

Chicks dig B.O.

Guy: Well, how often should I shower?
Girl: Every other day!
Guy: I want a low maintenance body!

-- Concrete Beach, overheard by David

And we're fascinated by the total lack of context here.

Guy: (out of nowhere) I am absolutely fascinated by my nipples right now.

-- Thames Hall

Perhaps the other 20% contains your powers of addition; those don't seem to have crystallized yet, either.

A blonde walks into a room with some sort of ice tray filled with a thick red substance. She offers it around.

Tipsy Blonde: They're not quite frozen yet, so they don't come out very easily.
Girl: (taking the tray and leaning in to inspect) What is it?
Tipsy Blonde: It's, like, 2% cranberry juice, and 78%, you know, alcohol..."

-- Perth, overheard by canadiancornpop

Another product of high school geography shines like the star she is...

Girl: Hey wait, isn't Perth a fish?
Guy: What?
Girl: Isn't Perth a fish? I think it's a fish...

-- Outside of Perth, overheard by canadiancornpop

For a more subtle approach, you could start giving her an apple a day

Guy on cell: Then tell her to stop sleeping with her doctor!

-- Passing by MacIntosh Gallery, overheard by Mark

Ooh, did it just get catty in here?

Girl: There's one thing about sleeping with a stud, and one thing about sleeping with him just for the hell of it.
Guy: It's Christina, right?
Girl: Yeah, she's actually sitting right behind us.

-- Weldon, overheard by Mark

You fail. Go back to high school.

Guy #1: What the hell does "L" mean?
Guy #2: (sarcastic) Oh, I don't know ... litres, maybe?!

-- 3rd year physiology class, overheard by Chris

Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at "May I have a transfer?"

Intoxicated skank: Wow, you're the hottest bus driver I've ever seen! When's your bathroom break?

-- City bus

He makes an excellent point, and yet fertilizer sales continue to rise...

Guy: (eating a sandwich and making a face) Why would you buy something if it tastes like shit?

-- In front of Nat Sci

"And also because I apparently have the worst memory in the world!"

Guy: I went to a Catholic school.
Girl: What was the name of your school?
Guy: I don't know.
Girl: (making fun of the guy) "Ooh, I don't know the name of my high school because it's not public!"

-- 9B Whitehills, overheard by Peter

So that's what a crane does.

Guy (heading downtown on a Saturday night with buddies): Hey, did you know I've got my crane operating licence now? Yeah, they can lift [X] number of pounds.

-- Wellington 13 South

Don't forget about dim lighting and Barry White!

Girl #1: The problem is that guys always think I'm sexy after they sleep with me. So how do I get them to sleep with me in the first place?
Girl #2: Alcohol.
Girl #3: Alcohol.

-- Richmond St.

They're chock-full of vitamin... happy?

Girl: You look melancholy. Would you like a multi-vitamin?

-- Somerset Place

Hey, that was a legitimate management strategy in the 80s.

Guy: But there are all different types of leaders, right? And all of them can be equally effective. Take Steve Jobs. When he was president of Apple, their stock was way up; when he left, it plummeted; when he came back, it shot back up. And you know why? 'Cause he was such a good motivator. All of his employees just loved working for him! Except, you know, when he was doing all that coke.

-- The Spoke

To be fair, it is only the first week of classes... But then again...

Student: So, can a straight line ever be curved?
Prof: No. Straight lines are, by definition, straight.

-- Ivey, overheard by D

Admission standards have gone up in the past few years? Yeah, right!

Math 012 Instructor: Okay, so in order to compute the slope of a tangent, we...(explains the formula for computing slope of tangent).
Girl: (interrupts) 'Kay, wait, umm ... can you just explain what "compute" means?

-- Middlesex College, Math 012 lecture, overheard by Tabitha

"My wang, on the other hand..."

Girl: Your plane doesn't even go the speed of sound? That is slow!

-- in front of Ivey, overheard by Victoria

And George Dubya is sort of left-wing.

Girl #1: So what are your roommates like?
Girl #2: The one girl is a vegetarian. Well... she's sort of a vegetarian. She eats chicken.

-- Labatt Hall, King's University College, overheard by purple people-eater

It's like a Fruit Explosion, only not

Girl (pensively eating blueberry muffin): Eeeew! Guys, that blueberry tasted like semen!!!

-- 2nd floor, Weldon Library

Warning: logic ahead

Girl #1: You're drunk.
Girl #2: I'm wearing sweatpants, so I'm obviously NOT drunk!
Girl #1: What?! Explain.
Girl #2: I'm wearing sweatpants. I wear sweatpants when I'm alone. I don't drink when I'm alone. Therefore I can't be drunk.
Girl #1: You're wearing sweatpants now, and you're not alone....
Girl #2: I'm NOT drunk!

-- Outside Stevenson-Lawson, overheard by Victoria

Oh, that Mike.

Guy: Do you know [Mike]?
Girl: No, who's Mike?
Guy: That white guy.
Girl: What white guy?
Guy: You know, that white guy who goes to Western.

-- 6 Richmond

And we wonder why obesity rates are on the rise again...

Girl: Oh my God, I can't drink regular Coke! You have Diet Coke, right?
Lady: Of course we do.
Girl: Good - I just can't afford the calories right now. Oh, and can I have a large order of fries, too?

-- UCC Centrespot, overheard by Sara

Things you should learn before breeding...

Lady on cell: That's right, he stole my child and all my stuff. I went to his house and found some legal papers saying that his name was [X]. He told me his name was [something other than X] ... and we have two children together. Yes, I want to talk to my lawyer.

-- Richmond 6, overheard by Evan

Someone call the throat spray people, this could be an exciting new marketing tool.

Girl #1: Try the throat spray, it actually helps.
Girl #2: Ew, this stuff tastes like I went to the morgue and licked a dead person.

-- Taylor Library, overheard by Ana

Maybe not a slut, but at least a skank.

Girl #1: I'm not a slut just because I made out with [so-and-so] and then slept with that other guy, am I?
Girl #2: I don't think so.

-- Barney's bathroom, overheard by Heather

Not to mention your brain cell count

Ugg Chick #1: What are you drinking?
Ugg Chick #2: Diet Pepsi.
Ugg Chick #1: You shouldn't drink that, you know. It's got aspartame in it.
Ugg Chick #2: So what?
Ugg Chick #1: Don't you know that aspartame lowers your sperm count?

-- Concrete Beach, overheard by Chandheeb

Aspiring MBAs - where the "M" stands for "misogyny"

Guy #1: What the hell can you do with a degree in women's studies anyway??
Guy #2: I have no clue. Teach it?
Guy #1: What would that look like on a resume anyway? "Oh, I see here on your resume that you're a bitch!"

-- Ivey, overheard by Louis

Gentlemen: the plan is working!

A car full of young guys peels out of the parking lot at a high speed, with much revving of engine and squealing of tires.

Girl: (yelling after them) Oh my God, your penis must be huge!!!!!

-- Masonville SilverCity

In fact, it's required on your first night of stay.

Guy: What, so you haven't tried that yet?
Girl: No, no... but I really want to. I've wanted to for the longest time.
Guy: Why haven't you?
Girl: I guess I was in the wrong residence.
Guy: Yeah?
Girl: Yeah, if I had been in Saugeen I probably would have had a threesome a long time ago!

-- Taylor Library, overheard by Heather

"Except without the friction, the nudity and the willing partner!"

Two guys are in the middle of a warm-up in exercise class. The warm-up consists of pelvic tilts and lunges.

Guy: I feel like I'm having sex!

-- Campus Rec Studio, UCC, overheard by Trista

Now that's sympathy.

Girl #1: What are you doing?
Girl #2 (pointing a knife at her chest): Ending my misery. What are you doing?
Girl #1: Tying my shoes.

-- Thistledown Way

Why administration's squeaky clean O-Week is pointless: Exhibit C

Soph (overseeing debauchery of FOAM party): Look at the steam rising from the crowd of frosh down there!
Orientation Staffer: That's not steam, it's evaporated semen.

-- UC Hill, Overheard by Andrew

Reach for that rainbow, ladies. Follow that shooting star.

Girl #1: Okay, so let's make a pact right here, right now that when we're 60, we're going to rent an RV, tour across America and go to all the peach festivals along the way!
Girl #2: Oh, completely.

-- Middlesex, overheard by Laura

Talk about a Catch-22!

Guy: I think that the lack of alcohol in my system is actually making me drunk.

-- Richmond 6

Sign us up for some of those dividends...

Guy #1: Hang on a second - you have a tongue ring?
Girl: Yeah, didn't you know that? I've had it for almost 4 years now.
Guy #2: You know, your stock just went up with that tongue ring.

-- Thames Hall, overheard by Joe

Better start stamina training!

Guy #1: I've got one girlfriend who's into jogging, and another who's into weights. I'm going to be in great shape.
Guy #2: And pretty tired.

-- The Athletic Club

And before she consulted the White Trash Book of Baby Names

Girl #1: Hey, how was the Backstreet Boys concert?
Girl #2: Amazing. Definitely one of the best ones I've seen them do.
Girl #1: The best concert I've ever seen was Britney Spears.
Girl #2: Oh really? When did you see her?
Girl #1: Last year. After she was corrupted, but before she was with child.

-- Somerset Place

But it's a good thing to find out on a first date

Guy (reading aloud): The average person releases one pint of intestinal gas every day.
Girl: Wow, a pint??
Guy: I really don't want to know whether you consider that a lot or a little.

-- Robinson Hall

Ambience, anyone?

Girl: Is your roommate going to be trying to have a date while you're cooking all of that meat?

-- Loblaws at Masonville

What if they're on brown bread?

Brown Girl #1: My [white] stepdad has got me hooked on tomato sandwiches.
White Girl: Oh my gosh, I love those ... especially with pepper ... yum. Wait, those are totally white people sandwiches.
Brown Girl #2: You are slowly becoming white-washed! (raises eyebrows) Welcome to the dark side.

-- overheard by Rachel

Yes, this was before the Backstreet Boys concert.

Middle-aged lady: Pssh! I don't want any water! It'll kill my buzz before the concert!

-- York St.

His first name is Marv.

Girl: What's Tarv's last name?
Guy: It's Tarv.
Girl: Really?
Guy: Yup.
Girl: Wow, don't I feel stupid.
Guy: You should.

---Spoke Patio, overheard by Deven

"Making Men Your Bitch" 101

Guy #1: My mom always picks what movie my parents watch.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yup - it's always what she wants to see.
Guy #2: Get used to it - that's what women do to you. I think they teach a course on that here somewhere.

-- UCC cafeteria, overheard by Rachel

It's Saugeen. You'll all be assimilated into sluts by October anyway.

Girl #1: Oh my god! Like, they're all sluts and whores here!
Girl #2: I know!
Girl #3: They're all sluts except the four of us!
Girl #1: Yeah!
Girl #2: Totally!
(They all look at the guy they're with expectantly.)
Guy: (distracted from checking out the sluts) ...what?

-- Saugeen basketball court, overheard by Mirage

Yet another argument in favour of a "Tact 101" course

Girl #1: And that's why I believe that no one could possibly look good in a grey shirt.
Girl #2, wearing grey shirt: Ummmm...

-- Dundas 2A bus, overheard by Haley

Why administration's squeaky clean O-Week is pointless: Exhibit B

Frosh girl: Dude, I totally smell like doob.

-- Perth Hall, overheard by Alex

Why administration's squeaky clean O-Week is pointless: Exhibit A

Drunk frosh stumbling out of rez room #1: In three minutes, I am going to be soooo drunk from those shots.
Drunk frosh stumbling out of rez room #2: Really? See, I won't be. I need another drink.

-- Delaware Hall, overheard by Alex

Replace "London" with the "the way to the beer store" and you're like every other frosh.

Guy: I know London like the back of my hand; I've been here for about three hours.

-- Near Oxford & Richmond, overheard by Dazz Williams

Or at least a good t-shirt slogan.

Drunk girl: I don't remember ordering souvlaki...
(A guy starts throwing fries down her shirt.)
Drunk girl: I love tomatoes...
(The guy continues to throw fries down her shirt.)
Drunk girl: Stop it! No more fries in the titties!
Guy: That's an MSN name right there!

-- Sammy's, overheard by Dan

Because chemical poisoning and lung disease are the new hydration...

Guy #1: Hey man, you want some water?
Guy #2: Nah, I'm just gonna have a cigarette.

-- UCC, overheard by Brad and Nadine

Perhaps you could table it for the new fiscal year.

Girl #1: This is going to be such a stressful year! I don't know how I'm going to get through it without sex.
Girl #2: Well, have you thought about getting a vibrator?
Girl #1: Yeah, I've thought about it... I just don't think it's in the budget right now...

-- Richmond and Oxford, overheard by Shauna

Welcome back, Western undergrads. How we've missed you and your classy behaviour...

Guy #1: Hey, are you going over to [John]'s place tonight?
Guy #2: I don't know, man, I haven't slept in, like, 3 days...
Guy #1: So you are going to [John]'s, then?
Guy #2: Yeah, probably. Will there be drinking?
Guy #1: I've got a mickey in my back pocket.

-- Somerset Place Elevator

That's a lot of -- uh, tithing.

Girl #1: He bought you your car, your diamond necklace, your diamond earrings...
Girl #2: (interrupting): I don't owe him shit!
Girl #1: You owe him shit!
Girl #2: He got to touch my body, it's a fucking temple! I don't fucking owe him shit!

-- outside student townhouse, overheard by Sarah