At this rate I'll never be able to check out Precision Book-finding Techniques!

Two very lost-looking first years approach an upper year on 5th floor weldon.
First-year student: Um, excuse me, you know those books? I'm looking for PR. I can only find PQ-PS. Where's PR?
Upper year student: Well, you know it's PQ through PS? Try looking in the middle.

He wasn't? Monica's blue dress clearly didn't get the memo.

Two guys are discussing the candidates in the 2008 U.S. Presidential race.

Guy #1: I heard Hillary Clinton is all for pulling out of Iraq.
Guy #2: Pulling out, eh? Too bad her husband wasn't.

-- overheard by Hannah

"Baby, I don't know how to tell you this... we've got salmonella."

Girl #1: Ummm, so like, I'm totally confused... what is salmonella? Like, can you get it from people?
Girl #2: Okay, so like, I'm not totally sure, but like I'm one hundred percent positive that you get it just from food. I know that like, the food at the Pita Pit was you know... um, what's that word? Oh yeah, contaminated...
Girl #1: Yeah, contaminated!
Girl #2: But I've heard that like, you have a greater chance of like getting it if you eat Asian food.
Girl #1: Oh yeah, okay, that totally makes sense now, maybe that's why like people are really sensitive to sushi. Oh no! I went to Green Tea last night, so I hope I don't get it!

-- UCC women's locker room, overheard by Jessica

"Oh, wait... that's 'unsatisfied'. HEY-O!"

Dumb Student: What's "insatiable"?
Math Prof: Ask your girlfriend.

-- Middlesex College, overheard by Sophie

Don't you hate pants?

Girl #1: We got into, like, the biggest fight the other day.
Girl #2: Oh really? What was it about?
Girl #1: Well, we were going to the movies, and his pants were, like, totally wrinkled and gross. So I told him he had to change them, and he was like, "They're just pants - it doesn't matter." And I was like, "If it doesn't matter, why can't you just iron them and make me happy?" It was a HUGE fight.

-- Bus stop in front of the law school, overheard by Sean

Overheard on the Road: University of St. Andrews

St. Andrews Equivalent of a "Typical Western Girl": Luckily my dad just wired me more money. (Sighs exasperatedly) I've, like, never had to work so hard to get some money in my life!

-- overheard by Meghan

Spoken like someone who has never spent a day in Paris.

A couple of girls are standing at the bus stop, and one begins discussing her new roommate, who is a foreign exchange student.

Typical Western Girl #1: I don't like her. She looks like a bitch.
Typical Western Girl #2: If she can't speak English, then she can't be a bitch.

-- Richmond/Oxford Bus Stop, overheard by Matthew

Maybe Mrs. Clean isn't givin' it up at home.

Three girls are hurrying out of one of the apartment buildings, with one of them lagging behind.

Girl #1: Guys, slow down! I don't think my bra's done up anymore.
Girl #2: We were cleaning the kitchen! How does that even happen?!

-- Platt's Lane, overheard by Tara

UWO: lock up your stuffed animals.

Girl: I have such a huge crush on him! He's like this soft, cuddly teddy bear that I just want to... do.

-- Thames Hall

Two words: natural selection.

Guy #1: It's so cold out! It's like when you jump in really cold water and all your muscles seize up.
Guy #2: I know what you mean... man, can you imagine the people surviving the Titanic?
Guy #1: Yeah, I know, it's crazy that they did that.
Guy #2: I know! First of all, you're jumping into, like, the coldest ocean in the world, then you gotta get into, like, canoes, then you have waves coming at you from everywhere.
Guy #1: Yeah, exactly. I would have just stayed on the boat.

-- UC Hill, overheard by Stefan

Not since May 17, 2005.

While learning about right-wing and left-wing objections to a certain theory...

Girl: (to the guy beside her) Ummm... What's it mean to be "right-wing"?
Guy: To be conservative.
Girl: Oh... What's "conservative"?
Guy: (joking) You're conservative!
Girl: Ohh... Wait... Does that mean slutty?!

-- Pop Culture and Identity class, overheard by Kaitlyn

More like Derek Zoolander.

A guy is reading William Blake's The Tyger in front of the class, and BUTCHERS it. After finishing:

Guy: Well... I'm no Robert Frost.

-- overheard by Anonymous

*Insert obvious joke about "riding the turbo shaft" here*

Guy #1: Wow! This elevator moves a lot faster than I thought it would!
Girl: Yeah, you're right.
Guy #2: You know what would be really cool? A turbo shaft! Those things move so fast!

Everyone stares at him blankly.

Guy #1: Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?
Guy #2: You know, from Star Trek!

-- Elevator at Social Sci, overheard by Jenn

"Why can't they just, like, assume that I know all the answers and make me dean already?"

Girl: TAs are assholes. I just lost 2% on my exam for the smallest detail - I forgot to add the remainder.
Guy: Yeah, I know. TAs are assholes.
Girl: I can't believe I got that other question wrong, just because I forgot the negative sign in front of the answer. That is so gay. Of course it's negative. I mean, it's so obvious. I can't believe the TA marked it wrong.
Guy: Yeah, TAs are so gay.

-- overheard by a TA