Thursday, August 10, 2006

The Lost Eleventh Commandment: "Thou shalt not quit."

Guy #1: Hey kids, I'm gonna have to pull the chute now. I can't stay out drinking all night - gotta work tomorrow.
Guy #2: Are you kidding me? You can't quit now! It's only midnight! Hey, you know who hates quitters? Jesus.

-- Molly's, overheard by Paul

16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

quitting is for suckers and so is jesus!!

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree! Let's all join a peaceful and enlightening religion like the Muslim faith! Islam is great... no one has ever been hurt in the name of Islam. Just today I heard that 21 Jews were caught trying to blow up a bunch of transatlantic flights, damm them!

6:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*resisting urge to quote History of the World Part I*... again.

8:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did Jesus quit after he was nailed to a cross and left to die - baking in the hot Golgothan sun?

No!

Like the Son of a God that he was, Jesus wasn't finished living. He hadn't had enough. Jesus said (and I quote) "Fuck dying! And fuck quitters, too!" Inded, rejecting the path of least resistance, Jesus pulled himself up by his sandlestraps, rolled aside the boulder that had sealed his cave and promptly ascended on up into heaven.

A lesser deity might have been content with martyrdom - but not Jesus. Oh no, hell no! Martyrdom is for quitters and Jesus ain't no quitter - Jesus is a winner! Quitters are what Jesus hates more than anything else in the world.

p.s. - (Jesus actually named his left hand "quitter" out of spite for the masses that would eventually come to identify with it)

Don't be a quitter kids. Don't make Jesus hate...

12:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

12:28am...what would actually happen to me if I actually made je-zeus hate me?? I've heard over the years that je-zeus is a white man/woman, black man/woman, yellow man/woman (so on and so forth), and we all know that all of these types of people don't get along with each other which creates a "hate" in the world. So how does je-zeus rectify this dislike among colours/cultures??

12:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

12:36 --> First thing is your pronunciation. Phonetically speaking, you have two choices here: you can pick one of 'Gee zus' or 'Hey Zeus'. But no mixing and matching is allowed.

As to your theory of where hate comes from in the world, it doesn't have nearly so much to do with the colour of people's skin as it does with any number of people's deep seated character flaws and mistaken beliefs.

Secondly, not that it's any of my business why you hate Mexicans so much, but I'd have to guess that if you were to attempt to make je-zeus hate you, well, then you probably ought to anticipate becoming uncomfortably acquainted with his disciples as well... Juan, Miguel and Pedro (to name just three). I only say this because the Son of God has been chilling in his Eternal Kingdom for some 2000ish years or so and as such is probably immune from whatever taunts you might employ to draw his wrath personally. Recall Commandment #12: "Even once I'm back with my Dad, nobody fucks with the Jesus!"

Which brings me to your final query: 'How does Jesus rectify this dislike among colours/cultures?' I would have thought this was an elementary question but apparently not. The simple answer is Jesus doesn't give a fuck about unifying anybody. He's always been pretty clear on this point. Jesus is one badass motherfucker. Sam Jackson quivers in his little BMF booties whenever he thinks of the Jesus. "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." Whatever your position on swords vs. pens vs. gats... that's some cold-blooded shit Jesus be spittin'.

But more to the point, here it is in Jesus' own words: "Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law."

The Management thanks you for submitting your non-sequitors. At least you're not a quitter...

3:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I picture Jesus as a Ninja, and Ninjas never quit.

1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus never wrote anything that people follow. It was written by some quack hopped up on some mind altering drug with the hopes that quack people would actually read it and believe it. And look, it worked, idiot people believe every word of it.

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's all a government plot to control the behaviour of the masses through fear.

3:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's all a very ancient governmental plat to control the masses.

now they rely on porn, or pron as i like to call it.

4:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's pr0n, you n00b!

5:53 PM  
Anonymous Will said...

12:28/3:11

Your knowledge of scripture is amazing.

10:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

10:12

While I thank you for the kind words, my knowledge only appears to be amazing. In truth, it's nothing more than amazingly shallow. A Psalm here, a Proverb there, maybe toss in the fable about the Good Samaritan for flavour - sure it sounds good but it's not exactly a Revelation either. However, if you collect enough of these little tidbits, there comes a point at which people might actually start to think you know what you're talking about. And that where things can become dangerous.

Recall Matthew 23:12 and James 4:6,10. They won't steer you wrong...

"And whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

"God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble. ...Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up."

/not even touching the paradox of the humble man

1:27 AM  
Anonymous Will said...

you.

you're good.

7:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is also a twelfth missing commandment:

God shalt strike down all the ignorant people.

And that basically takes out most Western students, and 90% of Americans.

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As to your theory of where hate comes from in the world, it doesn't have nearly so much to do with the colour of people's skin as it does with any number of people's deep seated character flaws and mistaken beliefs.

Pride in one's ancestory and heritage is a character flaw or a mistake? Whatever. Idiot.

4:15 PM  

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