All proceeds go directly to needy prostitutes.

Girl: Okay everyone, when you sell a lollipop for Buck-a-Suck, remember to return the collected money to the campaign office at the end of the day.
Guy: I just have one question - how much do we charge for the lollipop?
Girl: Uhh... a buck. That's why it's called Buck-a-Suck.

-- Elgin, overheard by Jonathan

Is your mind so far in the gutter it's cleaning out old leaves? Read on...

A Psych Prof is talking about tacks.

Prof: Easy to push in, hard to pull out... because when it was being designed, pushing it in was what the designer had in mind. That's what it's for - going in. Pulling it out is the thing that nobody thinks about. It's the thing that you don't think of as the actual function.

Later in the same lecture, the Prof is describing scissors.

Prof: There's a big hole and a small hole, so you put your thumb in the one hole and you put two fingers in the other hole. But for some reason, this time, both holes are the exact same size, and my fingers don't fit in properly! I'm going to injure myself!

Time passes. The Prof is describing pumping gas.

Prof: If you end up on the wrong side, you have to pull the hose way out and all the way around in order to stick it in the hole.

-- Applications of Psychology lecture, overheard by Deanna

Too bad she won't be.

Girl: I don't want to go until I plan my funeral.
Goth boy: Yeah, I know.
Girl: I want cool music.
Goth boy: Forget it. You're gonna get f-ing Fresh FM or something.
Girl: I want Cabaret.
Goth boy: They suck.
Girl: Yeah, but they're fun live.

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by Laura

"'Every bottle of two-buck chuck I've ever had tastes like just one thing: al-kee-hol!"

Female student #1: Do you like wine?
Female student #2: Sure do!
Female student #1: Do you know that some people claim they can taste different flavours in different wines? How fake is that?
Female student #2: I know. They must just make it up.

-- SSC second floor, overheard by Stephen

In her case, it's for "Stop. Do not pay to take this test."

Female student #1: If SAT stands for something like Scholastic Aptitude Test, what does LSAT stand for?
Female student #2: What's the LSAT?
Female student #1: It's for law school.
Female student #2: So how about Legal Scholastic Aptitude Test?
Bemused law professor: It stands for Law School Admission Test.
Female student #1: That can't be right - what's the S for?

-- SSC second floor, overheard by Stephen

Child abuse: hilarious as ever.

Guy: Did your mom hit you when you were young?
Girl: I don’t know. But if I had a kid like me, I’d hit her for sure.
Guy: If I was me, and I had a kid like me, that kid wouldn’t have lived past 2 months.

-- William's, overheard by Rachel

He doesn't like sticky pages?

Girl #1: I can't believe I found all that porn in his desk.
Girl #2: Really, they all look at porn. All my guy friends look at porn. I only know one who genuinely doesn't.
Girl #3: One guy? Oh my God, what's wrong with him?

-- overheard by Jan

Whoa, you have to think in class?

Girl: We should bring snacks to class.
Guy: No.
Girl: Why not?
Guy: Because I can't eat and think at the same time.
Girl: You are so male.

-- NCB, overheard by Robyn

Looks like there is a substitute for real wit. We stand corrected.

Girl #1: I decided that I love the word lame.
Girl #2: Me too! It's da bomb. I don't like it as much as I like the word trash though... that's the bomb.
Girl #1: What a trash-bag lame-o... Haha! That's what I'm gonna call the people I don't like from now on.
Girl #2: I know - hilarious!
Girl #1: Very.
Girl #2: You should definitely make use of that word tonight... "trash-bag lame-o whore".
Girl #1: Hahaha... I will!

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by Shannon

From each, according to her ability...

Every year, around exam time, when the kiddies who haven't seen a library all year come out to cram, a submission comes along that blows our minds a little bit. This is that submission.

Three girls are studying (loudly) for some sort of exam.

Girl #3: ...Because they were pushed by the Nazis.
Girl #2: Is it Nazis? Yeah, it was Nazis in World War II.
Girl #1: Are you sure?
Girl #2: I'm almost positive... (flips through pages and pages of notes)... I'm pretty sure... (flips one last page) Okay, yeah. Here it is. DEFINITELY the Nazis.
Guy: (from across the room, under his breath) Dear God...
Girl #2: (a few minutes later) Okay, so in World War II Russia was a communist country. I guess that only takes one sentence to sum it all up.

-- Weldon Library, 2nd Floor, overheard by Nathan

Read her lips.

Tony Lee, the X-rated hypnotist, has just hypnotized the volunteers into believing that he's got a huge penis.

Guy: You should see [Cindy]'s labia.
Tony Lee: Why's that?
Guy: You two have a lot in common.

-- Tony Lee's X-Rated Hypnosis Show, the Wave, overheard by Lissa

Threat? Pick-up line? You be the judge.

Bus driver: Everybody move back as far as you can!
Guy: (to girl in front of him) If I move any farther back, you're going to get pregnant.

-- Very crowded 2 Dundas, overheard by Nicole

"...cufflinks and a 40 of Olde English?"

Girl: (Holding Corner Gas box set) Should I buy him this and a bottle of wine or...?

-- HMV Masonville, overheard by Zac

I'll bet he says that to all the girls.

Guy: Let's make like a fetus and head out.

-- The Wave, overheard by Matt

Clearly somebody hasn't seen the sign.

Guy: Oh my God, if they play Ace of Base I'll have to kill myself.

-- The Bar King Frog, overheard by Melissa

Paging Ms. Bobbitt...

Girl: There's a penis in my shirt.

-- Richmond Row, overheard by Lissa

"Oh, kind of like my chauffeur! Slumming is sooo much fun."

On the bus, a guy pulls the yellow cord to indicate that he wants to get off at the next stop.

Girl #1: (to the guy) What does that do?
Guy: It tells the bus driver when to stop.
Girl #2: (to Girl #1) How do you get off the bus?
Girl #1: The bus just does it for me.

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by LA

A "solid week" means five hours a day of work? Sign us up.

Prof: I'm sorry I don't have your essays back, but they have been taking me approximately 10-15 minutes each to mark. And with 560 of you, that is about 100 hours of marking. That's THREE SOLID WEEKS of marking, people!

-- Ecology 283 lecture, overheard by CS

Plus, in the same amount of time, he could watch, like, two episodes of Gilmore Girls.

Two guys are talking about the new iPod Video and how one of the guys is going to use it on his long (Greyhound) bus ride back home.

Guy #1: You don't want to use your iPod Video for that. You can only play one video on it. Say you have Jackass 2 on your iPod Video.
Guy #2: But I don't like Jackass 2.
Guy #1: Just saying. You have Jackass 2 on your iPod Video and it's the only video you can watch.
Guy #2: But I don't like Jackass 2.
Guy #1: I'm just saying.
Guy #2: But I don't like that movie.
Guy #1: Fine, name a movie.
Guy #2: It doesn't matter.

-- Masonville Mall, overheard by Lissa

Nonsense - just give him a pen to chew on and tell him his body will thank him.

Girl #1: So what ever happened with your sister’s ticket?
Girl #2: Oh, she's taking it to court.
Girl #1: You know what I heard (and she should tell the judge)? That if you are smoking and get pregnant you shouldn’t quit, because you will send the baby into shock.
Girl #2: Really? I'll tell her that.

-- 6 Richmond, overheard by Eric

And the winner is...

Thanks to everyone who participated in the OAW "Title This Submission" challenge. After careful deliberation, we've decided that our favourite is:

"It's actually called a bidet."

So zap us an email, oh master of the European ass-washer (a.k.a. Zac), and we'll send you a prize. (Yes, a real one, none of this "respect" or "credibility" garbage.) You'll get it just as soon as we figure out what it's going to be.

Close, sweetie. You were really close. Now go lie down before you hurt yourself.

Girl points to picture of Andy Warhol in an article about Andy Warhol with the headline "Andy Warhol."

Girl: Oh my God, is that Clay Aiken?

-- The Spoke, overheard by Stuart

Muahahahahaha! Our spies are everywhere!

Girl: My greatest fear is to end up on Overheard at Western! (pause) I hope no one heard that...

-- SSC, overheard by Sarah

Overheard on the Road: Wilfrid Laurier University

In a WLU tutorial, the TA (who is a candidate for his masters' degree in English) is explaining conventions of essay-writing.

TA: The difference between passive voice and active voice is like saying "She was thinking" instead of "She thought".

-- English tutorial, Wilfrid Laurier University, overheard by Caitlin

Actually, if you cut back and just eat one teaspoonful a day...

Girl: My body lotion is low-calorie.
Guy: What?
Girl: Oh my God - you didn't know? A woman gains 13 pounds in her lifetime just from body lotion!
Guy: Where did you read that? Readers' Dumbass?

-- London-Guelph Greyhound bus, overheard by Megan

OAW's Newsflash of the Day:

Valley girl #1: It's like, when I study for exams early and don't cram last-minute, I ACTUALLY do better.
Valley girl #2: Oh my God, I TOTALLY know what you mean.

-- overheard by Jonathan

And speaking of cracking the whip...

Girl: Okay, if you want the hot, passionate, BDSM sex, you'd better get started now, because you won't be getting it when you're married! Besides, [Joe], you're almost 22 - your man-cherry needs popping!

-- Psych 153, overheard by Robyn

"Going to class" is the new "playing Tetris alone in my rez room".

Guy on cell phone: Hey, man, what are you doing on campus? (Pause) Oh, you're actually going to class?

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by no one

Apparently he was also complaining about not having canker sores.

Girl #1: And I bought him some toothpaste and an electric toothbrush.
Girl #2: Why did you buy him toothpaste and a toothbrush?
Girl #1: Because he's always complaining about not having toothpaste. (pause) And I found the toothbrush in my basement.

-- 10 Wonderland

Bet she broke her teeth on the new batch.

Girl #1: I decided to get healthy food for lunch, but I got these lentils and they were all, like, mushy.
Girl #2: Yuck. I hate mushy lentils.
Girl #1: So I was like, "These lentils are mushy. Can I, like, have new ones?" And she was like, "Yes."
Girl #2: What did she say?
Girl #1: "Yes."

-- Bus, overheard by Doug

Listen to their drums... they tell the story.

Girl #1: I would hate to live on campus.
Girl #2: Don't you live on campus now?
Girl #1: No, no, there are families living on campus. I would hate to live like that on campus.
Girl #2: How did they get there?
Girl #1: I dunno... I think they were here first.

-- 2B Dundas in front of Nat. Sci., overheard by Paul

He's trying to entice you to throw rocks at hives. What does this tell you?

Guy: Hey, did you know that if you get a bee sting in the right place it feels pleasurable?
Girl: (laughing) What?!
Guy: No, seriously, my philosophy prof told us and he's a bee keeper.

-- UCC, overheard by Heather

Overheard on the Road: Queen's University

Prof: And this is a picture of an EEG.
Girl: (Trying to impress her friend) That stands for Electrocardiogram.
Prof: EEG stands for Electroencephalogram.

-- Psych 100 lecture, Queen's University, overheard by Kelly

Or just pass her a note in gym class?

Girl #1: I'm gonna leave her a message on Facebook.
Girl #2: Why don't you email her - like, the old-fashioned way?

-- 2 Dundas, overheard by LA

Was this before or after the turkey dump?

Guy #1: Hey, I got a rim job over Thanksgiving.
Guy #2: Oh yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah, and I actually kind of enjoyed it.
Guy #2: Were you fresh out of the shower?
Guy #1: No way, man. It was after a night at the bar. She definitely got a whiff of diap[er].

-- The Alibi

OAW Challenge: Title this Submission

Two girls come to a drinking fountain and the first girl takes a drink.

Girl #1: Ewwwww! It's warm!
Girl #2: Really? Ewwwww!
Girl #1: Yeah... Oh my God, it's, like... pee warm!

-- Nat Sci, overheard by Andie

"Or maybe some Ritalin?"

Two guys are studying intently at Weldon Library.

Guy #1: (Throws down his binder in frustration) Man, I just completely lost focus!
Guy #2: Why, what happened?
Guy #1: I started thinking about sex...

30 seconds later:

Guy #1: Hey, do you want to get food?

-- Weldon Library, overheard by Stefan

When "the concrete beach" is taken too literally...

Girl #1: Hallowe'en is where you can be as slutty as possible. Like, the bars would let [Josh] in wearing a banana hammock. (Girl #1 and #2 start laughing)
Guy: Hey! Just because I go around wearing one...

-- North Campus Building, overheard by Robyn

After all, they can both be pains in the ass.

Lecturer: This morning is not just about perianal disease; it's about life in general.

-- Med Sci, overheard by H

Uh-oh... get New Life Church on the case.

Guy: I want to make love to Jesus Christ.

-- Engineering Building, overheard by Aidan

You can't spell "procrastinate" without "catnaps".

Girl: I haven't done any reading for class in sooooo long!
Guy: Been busy with work?
Girl: No, I just lay there doing nothing. It's not like I'm busy watching TV or anything.
Guy: Busy watching TV?
Girl: I said it's NOT like i was...

-- Outside McIntosh, overheard by Dan D

"And a broken record!"

Girl #1: I find science interesting, but I'm not good at it... maybe I should switch to business.
Girl #2: Why business?
Girl #1: Because I'm not good at science.
Girl #2: But how do you know you'll be good at business?
Girl #1: Because I can always be an entrepreneur.
Girl #2: What business will you open?
Girl #1: I'll be an entrepreneur.

-- UCC Women's changeroom, overheard by Eliana

Come on, ladies - not even the Rocket Man has that much stamina.

After the Elton John concert:

Girl #1: Maybe Elton's bus will break down right in front of our house!
Girl #2: And he'll knock on our door and say "Ladies, might I use your phone?"
Girl #1: And then we'll kidnap him!
Girl #2: And we'll make him perform for us - every half hour, on the hour!

-- 4 Oxford East

Maybe it was her sweet pom-poms.

Guy: How did THAT girl make it onto the cheerleading team? She's not even tanned!

-- Stands of a football game, overheard by Heather

We can confidently say "no".

Engineer #1: This test is going to rape me.
Engineer #2: So is my biker friend Bubba.
Engineer #1: Uh...
Engineer #2: Lucky for you, this pencil is bigger than him.
Engineer #1: Oh c'mon, you mean it's not even going to be a good rape?

-- Spencer Engineering Building, overheard by Tim

Useless Superhero Skills:

Guy #1: Are you going heavy today?
Guy #2: No, I'm just going out drinking tonight. They cancel each other out.
Guy #1: No they don't.
Guy #3: Yeah, it cancels out like 30%, so I don't bother lifting before going out.
Guy #1: But that just reduces [weight lifting's] effectiveness; you still come out on top.
Guy #2: Well, I know one guy who doesn't have the cancelling effect. He can drink any night.

-- UCC Men's Changeroom

The AC blows in so many ways.

Guy: Come here and watch! It's so cool watching other people doing cocaine...

-- UCC Men's Changeroom

An overheard within an overheard?! Our minds = blown.

Guy: Shh! I want to hear what they're saying so I can put it on Overheard at Western.

-- UCC, overheard by A.

Yes, sweetie. Your second pair of pants is a man now.

Some guy is recounting his evening at Robinson Hall.

Guy: (muffled) ...and then she, like, unzipped my fly and [indistinct] but I was wearing two pairs of pants because [indistinct] but... I guess it still counts.

-- SSC, overheard by Zachary

Overheard on the Road: Guelph

Three guys and a girl are talking at a party when the hostess's cat walks by.

Guy #1: I refer to that cat as "Small, Slightly Retarded Cat".
Guy #2: Sounds like my roommate.
Guy #3, Girl: (laughing)
Girl: Is your roommate small and retarded?
Guy #2: Okay, everything except the "small".
Guy #3: So your roommate is a retarded cat?

-- Guelph house party, overheard by Nathan

And yet snobbery never seems to go out of style.

The professor is discussing the cell phone and whether or not it was a good invention.

Student: I used to have a cell phone, but I got rid of it because I hated the fact that people could get ahold of me whenever they wanted, but now I waste so much time going back and forth from campus to make phone calls...
Prof: Yes, I can understand that... but why do you go home to make calls? Aren't there pay phones on campus anymore?
Student: Yeah. But pay phones were SO last year.

-- MIT 202, overheard by Laura

What she clearly needs is one about avoiding crazies on the bus.

An old man is holding a binder full of paper. He's telling everyone that it's full of stories he's written.

Old Man: (to Western girl) Do you like to party?
Western Girl: Sometimes...
Old Man: I should lend you this story. It's about drinking and eating chips.

-- 20 Cherryhill, overheard by Zachary

But then how would she differentiate herself from the rest of the girls at the bar?

Girl: Next year I should just go as Courtney Love. That way all I have to do is act like a drunk whore all night. It'd be perfect!

-- overheard by Jessica